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We’re doing a four-part project. First, we will go through the questions. There are no right or wrong answers. Go with the first thing you say yes or no. We will find something you thought was good.
You will go back if this is an A, B, or C. A’s need to be on my sexual bucket list. The goal is to walk out of here with ten things you’d like to experience in your sex life in the next few years. Some practices you’ll have to learn. Others will be simple things you can do tomorrow. There’ll be a range. The B’s are flexible, as my husband says. Whenever you ask him anything, he’s relaxed. B’s are I’d be willing to do it. It’s not on my bucket list, but if my lover wants to do it, I’m a yes because they want to have an experience.
C’s are not for me right now. It may be in the future. It won’t be on my list. Part of this, especially in the initial questions, is you self-reflecting and getting a level set on what you think about aspects of your sex life. We’ll get into ideas and sexy things you could do and what’ll go on your bucket list. We will make a list of the activities and order them. Then you can share these with your partner to see what is on their bucket list if you have a partner. If not, when you get a partner, you can share your bucket list with them and take them through this assessment.
The first question is how satisfied you are with your current sex life on a scale of one to five. How would you rate your present sex life? Circle one. How would you rank based on what I said this morning? How would you rate your skills as a lover?
Has your sex life been getting better or worse?
This is a rough guesstimate. In the last year, how many times per month have you made love or generated orgasmic pleasure for yourself or your partners? That includes masturbation. How often did you get yourself off somehow with something or somebody? Add that up times 12 approximately.
If you have or had a partner, how would you rate your libido compared to your partner’s? Were you the horny dog, or was your partner, or were you both matched well?
I’m on page two. These are the little thumbs up and down. Is it easy for you to orgasm? Can you give yourself an orgasm? Just yes or no. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re a woman, man, or in between. I support all gender expressions. It’s a moving target. We all have everything inside us. Let it all out. If you have female parts, put a check next to all the orgasms you’ve ever had, even if you’ve only had it once. It means you’ve been to that territory and have the map. If you have a female-bodied partner, why don’t you check off the ones you think your partner has had?
If you have male genital systems, check the ones you think you’ve had. I mean an orgasm, but it doesn’t have to be an ejaculatory orgasm because there are many for which you would have felt orgasmic pleasure in your body, but it didn’t require you to release ejaculation. Check if you felt close to or equal to what you’d feel with an ejaculation. If you are the lover of a male-bodied partner, you can check the ones you think your male body partner has had.
Under the male orgasm, where I ask do you come too fast and want to last longer? That’s for women and men. Some women have one orgasm, and that’s it. They’re not able to achieve a second or become multi-orgasmic. In that case, you might feel you’d like to have your orgasms last longer, and you’ve come too fast. This next one is more of a man’s question. Do you feel confident you can bring your partner to orgasm?
Do you masturbate regularly? Regularly is whatever is suitable for you. I would say, on average, it would be more than once a month, even once every couple of months to every day or multiple times a day.
Do you masturbate to pornography?
We’re getting into things you might do together that could go on your bucket list. We’re moving from my quantified sex life. How’s my orgasm going? How many kinds am I having? How regularly am I doing it? Am I masturbating? How’s my libido? We’re moving toward fun things. Would you consider mutual masturbation with your partner? Are you open to getting off in front of your partner while they get off in front of you?
Do you wish you used porn less or feel it’s hurting your sexuality? Answer this honestly because one issue men run into is they blow out their dopamine receptors by watching porn and have trouble achieving a climax with a person. They masturbate to porn so much that they have sensation loss, delayed ejaculation, and a lower lust for life. Porn can be very insidious. Other men don’t have a problem with it, and it doesn’t impact them but if you have a clue that it slightly affects what you’re doing sexually with yourself or your partner, then put a yes.
Do you have any secret freaks or kinks you’re embarrassed to discuss?
One of mine I usually use to masturbate is one I hardly ever talk about with my partners. Commonly, there’s something we want to play out in our head that we don’t necessarily want to experience in real life, but it turns us on. That’s a perfectly normal reaction. It’s okay to be embarrassed to discuss things that turn you on.
You don’t have to tell everyone everything. You can share some things, and they’re sexy. Others are for your private life. What’s nice about mental freaks and kinks is they change as you mature. If you explore your turn-on and go into that mental territory, and it gets you off, that’s good. It’s you expanding your sexual desire. Many sexual desires are taboo, and the taboo is where the juice is. Thinking about things is not bad. It’s normal. Here’s one we’ve certainly talked a lot about. Do you incorporate sex toys into partnered sex? If you don’t, would you be willing to?
Do you give your partner sensual massages? There are four kinds of touch: Nurturing touch. That’s how you’d touch a baby. Healing touch. That might be a neck rub or a massage that gets the kinks, fixes wounds, and soothes scars. Sensual touch. I’m touching you not to get anything but to give entirely into pleasure now. That doesn’t mean I can’t equally enjoy it.
Sexual touch is energetic. It has the goal of generating orgasmic intensity. Hence, there’s nurturing, healing, sensual, and sexual.
Do you give your partner orgasmic genital massages? Do you lay your man down, get a warm avocado resting in the sink, and stroke his body? Lightly oil your hands with avocado oil and stroke his lingam. Enjoy his testicles and stroke his groin and belly. Tell him how handsome, sexy and beautiful he is. There’s no goal but the pleasure and connection you’re creating at the moment.
I don’t recommend using lube from the grocery store. Lubes are an FDA class II monitored product and have preservatives. Sometimes they’ll use vitamin E, which is okay. Generally, KY jelly and warming cream have chemicals that get sucked into our vaginal mucosa and go into our bloodstream. They are often in plastic bottles full of phthalates and plasticizers that are endocrine hormone disruptors.
I recommend organic avocado and sweet almond oil, but not coconut oil. Coconut oil is a natural antibacterial oil that will disrupt the vaginal microbiome. It’s great if you want to use it for the body. If you’re buying avocado, buy refined oil. Unrefined is green, and it’ll stain your sheets and lingerie. The best bet of all is organic sweet almond oil. You can give your lover a genital massage, wipe it off with a towel and go down or have intercourse.
You can use all the lube you need for everything, and it’s this natural oil you could make a salad dressing with. I always say if you wouldn’t put it in here, you shouldn’t put it in there. My advice on lubes is to get rid of that crap. It’s toxic and messes up your sex toys. You must wash your toys with soap and water because it will degrade the silicone.
Are bodily fluids, such as male or female ejaculate, erotic to you? This is interesting because some get off on body fluids positively. Some women love when their man ejaculates. They like to eat it and like it inside them. Other women are “Take it or leave it.” It’s okay, but I don’t want someone to come on me.
Interestingly, male ejaculate is exceptionally healthy for the female body. The semen has a heady cocktail of deliciousness. It has a luteinizing hormone that keeps us regular on our periods. Even after menopause, it helps regulate our hormonal cycles. It has dopamine, serotonin, and zinc for cognitive function. You give us a testosterone injection every time you come inside us. That makes us want more sex. That’s why good sex is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s an upward pleasure cycle because the more you have, the more you want a part of it because of testosterone. It’s also why we like kissing with our mouths and tongues. Men give women testosterone through their saliva. We’re very symbiotic.
Even if you’re a same-sex couple, you get 95 of the benefit. Women always ask me if I swallow the semen. Does it give me the same effect? It doesn’t. Your gastric stomach juices negate that, so you don’t get as much benefit as your vaginal mucosa. It is like a sponge and sucks that up, and your body utilizes it, putting you in a better mood. It’s a libido spiker.
If you’re using condoms, you’re not getting the benefit. That’s something to consider as a mood lifter. Men love to have the female ejaculate doused on them. Women like to see their ejaculate pour out of them. Some positions can cause you to expel it from you. Some have such forceful ejaculation that it streams out. In some women, it’s like a well-spring. It comes out of them and trickles down. Many lovers like to drink it, and it’s perfectly safe. If there’s any urine in it, it’s the tiniest touch.
A man can ejaculate and urinate out of his penis. When he ejaculates, you’re not worried it’s pee. We’ve got the exact mechanism. We’re not peeing on you. That’s ejaculate. You have to be born to ejaculate out. It has to be allowed to flow, and you must let it come out and have the stimulation you need. That’s very erotic for people.
Even if it’s something you never thought about but sounds interesting, you might want to be yes to it. The next is, do you enjoy giving oral pleasure? One of the things about giving oral pleasure is it is mutually orgasmic. When sharing my partner’s oral pleasure, I have orgasms, especially if it’s a penis-owning lover. There is erectile tissue in your throat. We know our lips and tongue are very erotic. Our nose tingles when we get turned on because of the erectile tissue. Our neck has erectile tissue. Sometimes we like to be held, not choked. That’s porn and misinformation.
Very few people are interested in that. That’s edge play. I’m talking about being firmly held where you’re not blocking the airway off but holding her. The feminine and masculine love to be held. We’re getting switchy. I’m on top and holding him down. I’m in control. That’s as pleasurable for me as being wholly held down. My hair held, my neck held, I’m being pinned and ravished.
You can give and receive pleasure. The neck and throat are highly orgasmic. When the penis strokes my throat, I not only orgasm, but the spit changes consistency. It goes from clear to like pre-come. It’s got a mucusy string and is slippery like the pre-lube.
Over time as the throat gets stroked and you have an orgasm. That spit is white and foamy. As you enjoy oral pleasure, your body has intense orgasmic experiences. You feel contractions at the top and bottom—women who can have throat-gasms ejaculate at the top and bottom.
It’s so interesting what our bodies can do when we allow ourselves. I’m telling you what’s possible. As you surrender to your pleasure and do things that feel good together, you’ll find your way to those places where all this liquid expression happens. Oral pleasuring is the same when a person’s going down on a vulva. They should get off on that and have full-body orgasms. It’s that idea of doing simultaneously and finding our way to pleasure. If you’re only thinking, “I’m going to make her come,” you can never surrender to the joy of it.
Do you enjoy giving and receiving oral pleasure? Many people say I don’t like 69. 69 is where you’re mutually giving each other oral pleasure. You’re flipped over each other, sucking a cock and eating a pussy simultaneously.
You have to get better at it. Many say, “I can’t concentrate and get off because there’s too much going on.” That’s because you’re not good at it yet. It’s super sexy when you’re both getting off on both parts simultaneously. I find most people could do a lot more and get more pleasure when they’ve gotten some weird idea that it’s not right for them. To me, it’s one of the best things about sex. It’s that mutual circuit you’re creating together.
Do you incorporate different sex positions into your partnered sex? We talked about my dope sex date where you flow from one thing to the next. One of the things at the end you’ll get on the PowerPoint is my seven stimulating sex positions, my favorite sex positions for using your hands and bodies and incorporating sex toys. Chingalinga, headboard daddy, and yab-yum are some of the best sex positions there. One of the easiest ways to up your sex life game is to do more positions often during your sex experience.
Do either of you talk dirty during sex? Remember I talked about the six ways of talking dirty that aren’t even dirty? I don’t even like the word dirty talk because it sounds wrong. I call it sensual, pillow talk, worship, adoration, appreciation, or respect.
Everybody wants to hear the talk. Women need reassurance, and men want to know they’re doing a good job. That’s the difference between us. Women want to be encouraged. We want to be adored and sound sexually irresistible. We want to know what you love about us. What is the hottest, sexiest thing about us at every single moment? Men want to know they are giving us incredible pleasure and are highly respected for their skills, so orient your dirty talk that way. It’s the same with fantasies. Do you share dreams? Yes or no? If you don’t, you’re missing an opportunity to have some sexy stories while you’re making love. Do you make noises, moan, and give feedback often? We’re not giving our partners enough feedback, so they don’t know what’s feeling good.
Do you feel comfortable making requests during sex? You’re not asking for what you want. You know what you want because you live in your body. It’s always telling you, “I’m hungry. I’ve got a fart. Did anybody hear? My head hurts.” You’re always getting feedback from your body the whole time. You need to listen to the body that you live in and report to your partner.
I’m telling you what my body’s telling me. Men need to learn how not to contract from feedback. If you are not getting feedback from your partner throughout the whole sex state, they’re not telling you because of hurting your ego. You get emotionally wounded, slow down, and go into yourself. You can’t hear and sustain it; you want to be hungry for your lover’s feedback and want them to tell you everything.
In our culture, you go down the pecking order if you’re not doing a good job. You don’t want to get pecked by your lover. Make it safe for them to tell you what they need, especially if you’re with a woman. She’s constantly changing every second. That’s what you love about her. She’s the crazy river, and you’re the river banks. You want her to say, “Thank you, baby.” That’s the data to be the winner and the lover she respects. You have to flip that frame and stop collapsing. Get that woman to tell you everything in every moment.
Sex will get so much better. I’ve got a link to the Sexual soulmate Pact. I gave you my book, The Sexual Soulmate Six Essentials of Connected Sex. I could teach you many sex techniques, but this is my best one how to get your partner to tell you exactly what they need every moment so you can come.
Do you like to dress in sexy clothes? This includes men because we want to see our bodies. We love your hardness as much as you love our softness. Do you like your partner to dress in sexy outfits? Encourage or buy your partner’s sexy clothes, including impossibly high heels? Do you want to take photos or videos of yourself or your partner in sexy outfits or having sex? Have you ever dabbled in kinks, such as spankings, restraints, blindfolds, and sensation play? Is this of interest to you?
Have you ever played with other partners together or separately? Are you interested in threesomes, group sex, orgies, and sex parties? You don’t have to have sex with other people. You can look. It’s fantastic. It’s so much fun to visit a place where people are exhibitionists. I’m not one. I’m a shy lover, but some people like people watching them having sex. They want you to go to the party and look at them having sex.
I was just on a podcast, Two Squirrels in a Sock. They were porn stars and wanted to ask me what’s real sex like. They said, “How come you didn’t become a porn star?” I’m like, I’m 60 years old. Secondly, I teach passionate love-making, but I’m not an exhibitionist, and some people are.
Do you consider yourself an exhibitionist? Would you enjoy watching your partner have sex with another person? It’s not for me, but I’d love to watch it. Would you want your partner watching you having sex with other people? These are fascinating things. Even if you’re interested in it and say yes, it doesn’t mean you have to do it. It means it might be the fruit of future fantasy.
Are you open to the right conditions for an ongoing polyamorous relationship? Polyamory is an open relationship where you have long-term partners who all love each other. You don’t necessarily have to have sex with all of them, but that’s what poly people usually do. Maybe you prefer a don’t-ask-don’t-tell relationship outside your primary relationship with your partner’s blessing. You can have sex with other people if you use a condom. Would you consider casual sex without emotional attachments? This is called the lifestyle or swinging. I like emotionally connected sex. I like love-making. I’m a quiet, private, related lover, but that might not be your best idea. It could be casual swinger sex to you. You need to know what turns you on. Would you enjoy giving or receiving a floor show, a pole, a lap, or an erotic dance with your partner?
That includes you, masculine men. I love to see my guy flex his muscles wearing sexy briefs. I think that’s so sexy. A floor show is interesting if you want to dance for your lover. It’s great for us old ladies because you’re not standing up. You’re sitting on the floor or bed, with little peeps showing and showing yourself off. You hardly have to do anything, and it looks sexy. It’s the lazy girl sexy dancing. Would you enjoy going to a strip club and watching exotic dancers? Do you want water sex, such as sex in a hot tub, a natural spring, or a shower? Would you enjoy rope bondage? It’s called shibari, and it’s beautiful.
Shibari might be your jam if you’re a boatsman and good at tying knots or a boy scout. Put in a sex swing. Make a mental note. Put a star next to it if that sounds fun. I like a sex swing. They’re silly and fun to do at home, hang it up on a hook in the beam, and have sex in a swing. Take it down before the kids get home.
Make sure you’ve got them on Google Maps so you know where they are so they don’t appear unexpectedly.
Would you enjoy being restrained on a liberator wedge? Those are sex furniture that wedges, and they’re fun for sex. They come with buckles on the sides and wrists and legs restraints. You get strapped in, get done, and can’t move. You can get out at any time. It’s velcro. It’s super cute, and the wedges are fun for sex in different positions, and you can get different elevations.
Would you enjoy giving or receiving restraint, such as being pinned down, holding your hair tightly, and having your neck held? No choking. Your appendage is restrained or contained while having sex. Would you enjoy wearing a harness, dildo, strap-on and penetrating your partner or doing this to you?
Do you enjoy playing with your partner with a remote control sex toy such as a vibrator or prostate massager? Would you want a vacuum erection or suction devices such as a penis, vulva, clitoris, or nipple pump? Interested in penis enlargement techniques? That can be fun. She puts in her VFit. He pumps his penis #selfcare down there. You’re taking care of your genitals together while watching the latest show. It’s fun. Would you be interested in the sexual regenerative treatments I discussed earlier? Your partner might like to know, too, and you might go on that journey of genital rejuvenation together.
Would you be interested in supplementing with libido botanicals or nitric oxide boosters? You got one in your bag so you’re good and I hope you’ll try them. Would you enjoy using nipple clamps or jewelry? There is little jewelry you can get that fits around your nipple. These little cute nipple things are not pasties to cover up your nipples but ones that pinch your little nipples. They have little dangles and are super cute. That’s a great Valentine’s Day present for a woman who likes nipple jewelry. Would you enjoy wearing bondage-style lingerie or clothing such as latex collars, wrist ties, chaps, or other BDSM-style gear? Would you be interested in practicing Tantric sex? Tantric sex is spiritual sexuality.
It’s getting into highly orgasmic states and having mutual simultaneous full-body energy orgasms. It doesn’t require erections, and it’s very heart connected.
Would you be interested in an expanded orgasm practice, a clitoral stroking technique? This is one of the free things I can give you for many of my programs.
I’ve had an expanded orgasm practice for the last 17 years with my husband, Tim, and it is very light. Remember when I was talking earlier about how you touch the meat of the clitoris and not just the skin? When you do the expanded orgasm, you’re using one fingertip. You know how sometimes if you get an eyelash on your eyeball and you touch super light and delicate to get that eyelash out of your eye, you have to press enough to get it to stick on your finger? Lick it.
The stroke is super light right under the hood. It takes the moment of climax and stretches it out like time stood still. It’s a fantastic experience for couples who can do it a couple of times a week and get good at it. It’s made me an incredible comer just from having that practice. I have that as a technique I teach you through videos, audios, and ebooks you can have if you’d like. Would you be interested in giving or receiving the experience of female ejaculation?
I have another program called Female Liquid Orgasm, yours if you’d like it. It includes videos and audio, and it’s for solo and partnered women who want to ejaculate.
Would you be interested in becoming a multi-orgasmic man? Learn how to separate ejaculation from orgasm? Would you like to have unlimited stamina? Would you like full-body orgasms that resonate with her? She starts having orgasms with you because you’re coming so well and don’t have to worry about ejaculation because you have an ejaculatory choice? That means you can come whenever you want, or she begs you to. That’s my Multi-orgasmic lover for Men program. If you want that, let me know.
Would you like to increase your oral pleasuring skills? I have a program called the Steamy Sex Ed video collection. I even have it on DVD for people who live in rural areas. I’ll send it to you or give you the digital version—200 oral pleasuring and sensual erotic massage sex positions and intercourse techniques. Relatable couples show them. Watching this together can be a fun way to up your game. You’re like, I never thought of that in a million years.
Would you like to try Come Full Circle, the 360-degree sex position? Anybody doing the up and down on their thighs would like this one. You stay hooked together and swirl around. It’s a double helix sex position and one of those things that’s super fun to try. You’re like, okay, I think your leg goes here. You want to put your thing here, and you did it. This is where you do your high five, and you’re like we did it, baby! We still got it! It’s one of those Thursday night silly little sex positions. Check that off the book. There’s a link. You can try that.
Taoist thrusting. The ten count makes you last longer and makes her come from sex without having to use a vibrator on her clitoris while you’re having intercourse. The next is Seven Stimulating Sex Positions. You could try all seven.
Answer this question after reading the above assessment with me. How satisfied are you with your current sex life? Did that number go up or down now that you realize there are so many fun things to do? You might say I’m less satisfied with my current sex life. I would like to do more fun erotic play dates. You could be like, no, I’m good. I did all these things and would like to meet you afterward. How would you rate your skills as a lover, knowing there are all these different things you could try and more? I could only put so many things on here. Did you become more or less satisfied after reviewing this assessment and going through this experience?
Finally, this is the one I’m interested in. I want you to tell me did you rate your skills higher or lower than you initially rated after reviewing this assessment. When you started, you gave yourself a score for how good a lover you are. I ask you to say how good a lover you are now that you’ve heard all these concepts and ideas. Interestingly, when women do this assessment, they give themselves a six. After they listen to it, they’re like, I’m below a six.
Men give themselves a seven and a half to an eight; after they take the test, they bring themselves down to a six. Testosterone makes men more confident about their sexual skills than they should be. You’re not as good in bed as you think, but testosterone tricks you into thinking you are.
Those rose-colored goggles go both directions. Interestingly, women better assess their sexual skills and have a more realistic perspective on how good they are in bed. Isn’t that funny? That’s testosterone at work. Thank you for having testosterone and doing the heavy lifting, holding the light for our sex lives, being horn-dogs, and being able to deliver for us in the incredible way you do. We need you to be that way. It’s not bad. I’d like you to go back through all the places where you were, that’s interesting.
Find the things you want on your bucket list. I want you to find your A’s. What appealed to you? You say this is something I’d like to try. Give me her free program. I’ll try this technique, do more fantasy and talk dirty more. I’ll make more moans. I’d like to have that crazy deep-throat orgasm, become a multi-orgasmic man, like to wear bondage-y stuff and get a spanking. What is interesting to you? Write those down.