Let’s get to libido, desire, and arousal. I first want to tell you about hormones because of several myths. I will bust many myths today. Many women think, “My hormones are down. I’m in menopause. I don’t have the desire I used to have. My libido is shot.”
Interestingly enough, I posit that it has almost nothing to do with diminished estrogen other than it could lead to painful sex and thinning of the vaginal tissue. I have a solution for you today.
When you go through menopause and your estrogen dips because your ovaries stop making estrogen, you have more testosterone as a ratio, which should make you hornier. It would, but the problem is by the time you’re middle-aged, your system resources diminish if you haven’t kept up with exercise and good nutrition and have less energy. You’ve had shitty sex and don’t want that anymore. It’s more about that than about your hormones.
The second thing is testosterone is the hormone of horniness. We all have it. Men get more—those lucky ducks. Men have competitive hormonal advantages in the sex space that are interesting.
Number one is that he gets a testosterone bath every morning and, hopefully, an excellent hard morning erection if he’s healthy. He gets morning wood, and he’s horny every day. He wants sex every day if he’s a healthy man with plenty of testosterone.
As a woman, we run on that 28-day cycle. The women who run with the moon have our horny windows, the beginning five days after the start of your period or the full moon after menopause, moving into nine days. That’s when you’re the horniest. You could be interested in sex all the time, but because men are horny every morning, all day, and nighttime, too, they’re ready to go.
We are slower at getting turned on. I will show you anatomy where men get fast directions and like “let’s go” and want intercourse immediately. Women are more like English muffins. We have nooks and crannies that the blood needs to run into. You have to get that muffin out and slice it. You find the toaster and stick it in there. Press the thing down. You have to wait for the toaster, and it pops. You’re like, I like it crispier. Down it goes again. There you are waiting, it pops, and the butter is hard as a rock. Spin the refrigerator, slice the butter, stick it there, and smash the two sides together.
He waits for more and melts, which goes into the nooks and crannies. That’s the blood flow to the vulva. You can imagine this is a penis. Fifty percent is outside his body, and fifty of it goes down toward his testicles. But all the fruit is erectile tissue.
Women have the same amount of erectile tissue stuffed in the nooks and crannies, so it takes longer for our blood to get us turned on and ready to go, which is why foreplay is so important. Those are the things I want to tell you about so that you don’t think you’re broken or don’t understand why he’s always ready to go and she’s not and why you need more foreplay. That is normal.
Feminine satisfaction has three faces, and they’re a Venn diagram. It turns out there’s libido, desire, and arousal. Libido is your body and health. If you don’t feel well, you don’t want sex.
That sounds good. It would help if you had good blood flow and cardio. Get your body moving.
Eat leafy green vegetables that get the blood into your pelvis. Desire is the mind. It’s, I’m fat. My butt’s too big. My boobs are too saggy. It’s things that estrogen makes us so critical about that testosterone doesn’t see.
I saw rose-colored glasses out there. Did Arielle bring rose-colored glasses? That’s testosterone. Testosterone is like she looked good to me. I tapped that, no question. Let’s go.
That’s so much easier for the masculine. He doesn’t see. Don’t peek at my vulva till I’m ready. Desire is how you feel about yourself. Do you feel desirable? It would be best to get over the estrogen monkey mind that makes you judgy and critical.
Estrogen is a little hormone. She’s all like, do you see the flaws? You have to be like, Shut up. I’m in charge. You can’t let estrogen mess up your sex life because she’ll tell you everything wrong about you. The dude’s like, I don’t see anything. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Turn off the lights. Let’s go.
The next is a desire for your partner. Is there anything outside the bedroom not meeting your relationship values? Jesse, thank you for making this book available to everyone. It is a workbook called Relationship Magic. You do the workbook and figure out what you want most out of your relationship.
You tell your partner the top four things you need. Please make me feel safe and secure, but I want the freedom to do whatever I want. I want you to be romantic and tell me what you love about me.
I want total honesty. It’s important to me. I want passion and growth. I don’t want to be bored. Whatever your items are, faith is essential to me. I want religion to be in my life. You have to support me in having a faith-based life. Whatever it is, you and your partner will discover it if you have one. If you don’t have one, you’ll be able to describe to somebody you possibly want as a partner what you need most out of the relationship.
My boyfriend is Carl. I told him I needed to get down to the Pendry, and we needed to get over to the glider. He’s like, I got it. I will drive you. This is what I do. I’m taking control. I liked it. I need to be moved to places. This meets my security relationship value for some reason. He knows what I need because he understands my relationship values.
You can’t desire a person entirely if they’re not meeting what you want. It starts outside the bedroom. Once you describe what you value most and your partner tells you, that’s why you do that. You and your partner treat each other how you want to be treated.
That’s the golden rule. Do unto others what you want to do is the platinum rule. You want to treat your partner how they need, the feelings they want in the relationship. Once you get that working and clear, you can desire them in the bedroom. That’s very important for women. The third piece is arousal, that English muffin.
It takes time to get turned on and the blood flow going. We get our erection. I will show you what our erection looks like. When we allow our lover to give us the time and pleasure to get turned on, the sex gets good. The chances are that more than half the women in this room have never gotten fully engorged and never had the orgasmic pleasure we deserve. Those are the three essential pieces.