Welcome to the Susan Bratton show! I am your host Susan Bratton, trusted hot sex adviser to millions, dressed up as the Motivation Magician. Today’s topic is “You want something your partner doesn’t. How do you get your partner to initiate sex?”
I’ve got a few fans who’ve emailed me. Scott says,
“I have some pretty intense fantasies I’d like to fulfill that are a little much for my wife at this time, mainly swinging and the variety of activities you can experience in the lifestyle. Thanks to you, I’ve learned to refocus my passion onto my wife and make her feel all the feelings she needs to make her feel special, emotionally connected, beautiful, and ravished with as much bliss as I can open her up.
Also, hormone replacement therapy is working wonderfully for both her and myself. I guess I’m looking for a roadmap to make this happen in a way that’s fun for her and not forced or inorganic. In conversation, the topic ends in meltdowns more often than not. It goes against her core values about what marriage means to her. Well, I respect that. I have a different take on it and believe that it can intensify the bond between if done the right way or a certain way. She’s agreed to do some roleplay with the swinging or hotwife theme without doing it in real life, something we’ve never really done, and I’m sure she’s nervous about it. The only thing for us that comes close is dirty talk—my personal favorite. Anyway, I’ve never responded to your emails before, and if this is not something you touch on, then my apologies.
Well, Scott, thank you so much for writing to me because you are absolutely on the right track. You’re filling your wife up with wonderful sexual experiences and relationship experiences.
The second thing is you’re vulnerable. You’re saying, “I’d like to have these experiences.” She’s being vulnerable and saying, “That scares the crap out of me, and it goes against what I think monogamy is,” so you have excellent communication, which I appreciate.
You’re also thinking about this as role play. Usually, I have a step before that. You mentioned that you like dirty talk. One of the things that I think is nice is to give your woman a genital massage. Lay her down, go to town on her, give her incredible manual pleasure and tell her dirty stories of your fantasies about the lifestyle.
You mentioned the variety of activities you can experience. I think you should start giving her orgasms while narrating a dirty story about one of those experiences. Just make it all up, and the next time, do another one. It will desensitize her to the idea because she will become more familiar with it. She will start to understand what is in your head that’s turning you on and your fantasies. There might be one where she’s like, “That sounds fun now that you’ve explained it to me.”
It’s the fear of the unknown; that’s a big part of it. You’re not going out and doing it; you’re just talking about it. That helps, and then I would recommend doing the fantasy roleplay because your lover might not know what to do until you’ve described it, and as you’ve described it, you could ask, “What was your favorite part? Did any of that turn you on? What kind of things did you like? Did you have any fantasies about it? If so, there’s never any expectation that she does it. I’ll bet she’ll come up with some things that could turn her on, and then maybe she can start telling you fantasies while giving you a Lingam massage. You can enjoy the pleasure of her touch while she’s telling you her fantasies.
You want to get her fantasy motor purring. That’s the fun part, and then when you get to the point when you’re pretending in the safety of your home, she will have a much better idea of what that roleplay might look like.
The fourth thing would be going to a swinging club. It’s okay just to watch. You don’t have to participate. Many people feel like if they go, people will make them an offer, and they will feel weird. You’d be surprised that you won’t get offers because you’re new.
They want you to get comfortable, so people won’t come up to you making offers. If they do, you can say, “I appreciate you making an offer. It’s our first time, and we’re here taking it all in. We’re not even sure if we want to do it. We’re just checking it out, and you’ve been so kind as to make us an offer because that makes us feel excellent. I don’t think we’re ready for it, but we’d love to get to know you better, and thank you so much for your warm invitation.”
Just say no in a super friendly way. That way, you’re essentially feeling the experiences and they’re fueling your connection with each other while you learn about it. Someday you may decide actually to have a partnership with another couple, or you may choose, “No, it’s not where we wanted to be. We don’t want to go out to those things, but we wouldn’t mind having a threesome or doing parallel-play with another couple, where you just make love beside each other without touching each other or sharing each other. There are lots of ways to on-ramp this.
Testosterone makes you go for the goal. You just want to go out and have sex at a lifestyle club. Your wife is way back here going “What!” and you can’t help yourself. That’s testosterone. It makes you think about the end game, but she’s thinking about what can go wrong because that’s estrogen. So if you stair-step it up very slowly, you might find yourself get more than you bargained for because that’s what happens with us girls once you get the motor running. All hell breaks loose!
My name is Christy, and my fiance is 38, and I am 42, and we used to have sex all the time, but he just hasn’t wanted it in a while. Does that mean he is losing interest?
It could be, or it could be that he’s losing testosterone. He’s 40. She’s 38, and stuff starts to go south. You begin to get old. I’d have his testosterone levels checked because that’s what makes guys horny.
The first thing I do is I would watch my videos on which hormone tests to get, how to replace testosterone naturally and the difference between exogenous testosterone. I would get his hormones checked, and I would talk to him. “Hey, do you still find me attractive? Is there anything you need to talk about? Are you upset about anything?” It could be that he has erectile dysfunction.
It’s not a lack of libido but a lack of ability. In that case, I would recommend getting GAINSWave treatments and a P-shot and using a penis pump because that triple combination of sexual restoration of his penile tissue will bring back his bangin’ boner. It can be a combination of testosterone and erectile dysfunction, in which case, he needs to clean up his nutrition. No more french fries. He has to go for a walk every day. He has to rework his hormone production because, at 38, he’s pretty young. There’s plenty of time left for him to pump some iron, do some high-intensity interval training, and do the things that naturally create hormones. That’s called endogenous hormones.
Here’s what I’ve noticed. Guys think it’s her problem, and women think it’s her fault. You said I’m worried he’s losing interest in me. No, he’s not losing interest in you. He got some other issues, most likely. So, don’t say it’s you. Just start talking to him. Let me know how you do. I’m expecting you to have hot sex very soon.
Alright, the next one is, “I’m 47. My libido is very depressed. I don’t know why. Sex is about to feel boring, and I don’t want this.” Now, this was from a man.
Get your testosterone checked because that is what is going on with you.
“I’m a 60- year-old man with a wife of 35 years. I have a body that doesn’t respond to sexual stimulation. She has no desire for sex. That’s why none of your products will work on her and why my sex is over. But thanks for trying to help.”
Well, Mr. 60-year-old man, you certainly are a negative person. You’ve given up before you’ve tried. You have no idea of all the things that can be done to get a woman turned on. It is a lack of skill and knowledge. She may have trauma, and you can help her heal and reverse it. If it’s trauma, then watch my videos with Arielle on full embodiment. We talk to you about how to treat a partner who’s undergone trauma. If it’s an illness or vaginal pain, you can fix it.
If your body doesn’t respond to sexual stimulation, it could be that you don’t turn her on. It could be that there’s nothing wrong with her except that she’s not attracted to you. Maybe it is a lack of chemistry, or she got mad at you or did not meet her relationship needs. I don’t mean this is all your fault, but you’re looking for the answers, and I’m just telling you. You have to make sure that there isn’t something missing in her relationship with you.
This is my book, Relationship Magic, which teaches you to understand what both of you need most in the relationship. Knowing what she needs is one of the top four things that get you 80% of the way there. Both of you start fulfilling each other’s relationship needs. If one of your relationship needs is affection, attention, passionate lovemaking, she’ll understand that she needs to do something about the fact that she’s not creating that with you.
You want to make sure your relationship is on the right footing, and I guarantee you some needs aren’t getting met. Check for trauma, pain, and bad health. Ask her, “Is it chemistry? Is there something I could be doing for you?
Many women get bored with their partners. It isn’t any problems outside the bedroom. It’s just that you’re not ravishing her. You’re not pouring her the level that she needs to be pleasured. She’s gotten bored with sex. Intercourse feels excellent to you, but it might not be giving her orgasms. It could be that maybe if it is no longer good, it’s likely boredom unless it’s any of the other things I mentioned. If it’s never been good, then it’s probably trauma. You can go to aasect.org and find a sex therapist in your area to help her overcome her trauma.
Figure out the why and then you can figure out what to do, but don’t ignore it, because she’s only 35 years old. Many times, the low libido partner doesn’t feel like there’s a fix, but I can tell you that there’s always a fix. If you get some more information, you can write to me again, and I’ll help you figure out what to do next.
The next one is, “I love following you and getting your regular emails. I credit Allana Pratt for saving my marriage and ultimately leading me to you, and your emails and Instagram. I’m 51, and I assume I’m going through menopause because I have very irregular periods every three to four months and feel that I have low energy and decreased libido.
I had hormone levels and all blood work nine months ago, and all was normal except my thyroid. I started working on my thyroid, and I have more energy. I’m working out and feeling strong and healthy, but my libido still seems blah. Even though I adore and love my husband, he wants me to initiate. I want more snuggle time where touch doesn’t lead to immediate groping and sex.
I avoid snuggling or even loving hugs or touches because if I do, it’s automatic groping, and he wants sex. Can I initiate sex and please him but also enjoy being touched. Makes sense? Or am I crazy?
Oh, mama, you not crazy. You are normal. Trust me. Let’s unpack a few things. The first one is that your hormones are probably low because of the standard of care. If you’re within this low level of hormones, your doctor’s like “You’re in that level, but you’re not optimized in your hormones.”
You need your hormones optimized. You want progesterone, testosterone, estrogen. Your oxytocin might be on the low side. Look at your melatonin and cortisol levels. All those things feed into the overall hormonal balance. I feel that if your thyroid is messed up, you’re dumping a lot of cortisol from stress, which is messing up your thyroid. This is just a guess; I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on television. I play the marriage magician, right?
I listen to what all the doctors say and take all this stuff in, and when there’s smoke, there’s fire, which means the thyroid is not the only thing. Standard allopathic care has these numbers, and the numbers are really low. You probably have almost no testosterone because you haven’t been having sex with your husband. He gives that to you. You could have gut issues or detox problems if you’re not pooping well. An overproduction of cortisol could be the problem.
So, all your hormones are probably low. Watch my videos on what hormone tests to get, what hormone numbers to look at, and go back and ask your doctor to do everything again. Do a dried urine test, not just a blood test, because blood tests are just your free hormones, not the bound hormones, and how you’re methylating your hormones. You need to do a little more digging into that. I’ll give you an e-book called hormone balancing. It’ll be in a link below this video, and that will guide you to understand the things you need to do and ask your doctor so that you get the optimal level of care.
Your husband has testosterone. You’re estrogen-oriented, so he wants you immediately to touch his penis. You don’t like it when he grabs your crotch. He’s playing the golden rule, not the platinum rule. He’s doing to you what he wants instead of doing to you what you want. So, start grabbing his penis, but while he’s holding you, give him manual pleasuring. If you don’t feel like having sex, don’t have sex. Teach him how to build your arousal. He’s a different creature. He’s like John Gray’s Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. He’s from a different planet than you. That’s the perfect analogy.
I’m going to give you another book. I’ll put the link below this video. It’s called the Soulmate Embrace, and I wrote it for you to give to your male-bodied partner so that he can learn how to hold his woman the way she needs to be held. I want you guys to practice that a minimum of ten times and tell him that it may not lead to sex, that you don’t want to be held just to get sex. You want him to hold you in this Sexual Soulmate Embrace. Relax with him. Relaxation is the beginning of arousal. He needs to relax you and hold you tenderly.
He wants you to initiate. Well, that’s not your job. Your job is to respond. His job is to learn how to arouse you. So, you start with Soulmate Embrace, and you get your hormones organized. You learn how to have him arouse your body slowly. Full body touch, lots of massages. These are the things you need. He just doesn’t know. I want you to go on your journey together, learning how to slow everything down. More touch, more arousal, and he’ll learn things. I’d recommend that you watch my Steamy Sex Ed® Video Collection, a series of over 200 advanced lovemaking techniques. It shows you sensual massages, genital massages, oral pleasure, and lovemaking. You need a lot of sensual massages.
Women need a lot of full-body touches. He needs a lot of penis-touching, penis pleasuring. This shows you how to pleasure him manually as well as orally as well as some enjoyable lovemaking techniques. You guys just need to learn some skills. You’re on the right track. Good for you for doing so many great things to keep good care of yourself and being a wife who wants to stay committed and sexy with your husband. You’re on the right track. I believe in you. You report back to me and let me know how things are going.
In a couple of months, you’re not going to believe how good they can get. Links to the Steamy Sex Ed® collection will be below as well. I am the motivation magician in this video, and this is the Susan Bratton show. Thank you so much for watching. I’ll see you in the next episode.