A big issue women face is trusting their partner to respond to their needs at the moment and not shaming her desires. Because women have already been socially programmed to feel like they can’t let go and surrender to their bodies’ true desires. Read more to learn how to improve trust in the bedroom…
FREE Gift: Sexual Soulmate Pact
[Susan] Women often feel like they have to act like the pornstar their guy is watching when they’re not together or competing with other women in the dating world, so they have to perform better, which doesn’t allow them to surrender to their pleasure. These things erode trust.
For simplicity’s sake, for the big bell curve of hetero-monogamous people, we’ll just keep it at the masculine-feminine. However, it could be woman-to-woman or anywhere on the gender spectrum.
Often, women say, “I don’t want to tell him what to do because he’ll go ‘You don’t have to tell me what to do.” Even though he doesn’t have a freaking clue, testosterone makes him think he does. It makes him very sure of things even though he isn’t. That’s why when a woman is in the boardroom, a man at work will act like he knows all the answers, even though she’s probably better prepared and more intelligent than he is. But she doesn’t give herself that credit, and it’s not her fault. Estrogen second guesses everything. It has to keep us safe. Whereas men, because they’re the stronger sex in some ways physically, have to worry less about that, and testosterone makes them like that.
When a woman is afraid to give a guy feedback, or he contradicts or shames her because he’s never had a sexually holistic experience, it creates insecurity and anxiety.
Women also have massive body shame issues based on estrogen because it always looks for the problems to keep us safe, but it creates body image issues. We’re also very hormonal cyclical even after menopause. Just because we don’t drop an egg down a fallopian tube doesn’t mean we’re not as hormonal and cyclical as we used to be with more estrogen. Nowadays, women take bioidentical hormone replacement therapy to keep their youthful glow, get rid of brain fog, keep our bones sound, and keep our health high.
Although men are cyclical, they have more testosterone in the morning, so they get morning wood, for example. We want something different at this moment than we did in the last. What worked yesterday on us does not work today. Today, we want something soft. Tomorrow, we want to be ravished and thrown on the bed and taken. We have a complete swing of things that appeal to us in the bedroom at different times. Sometimes we’re sensitive. Occasionally, we’re more lubricated. Sometimes, we’re dry. So sometimes our breasts are hurt, sometimes they want to be rubbed. Sometimes, we need a high sensation. Occasionally, we need a delicate feeling.
It’s tough for guys because testosterone is a steady-state hormone, while estrogen is all over the map. That’s difficult because it’s essential for us to not only honor our body, the animal body we live in, and understand cyclical nature but safely communicate it to a guy in the bedroom. I recommend something.
I have a free technique, a downloadable ebook, written for a guy to read. It’s short – The Sexual Soulmate Pact, and it’s at sexualsoulmatepact.com. It explains how we’re hormonal and cyclical and why he can’t possibly guess what we want.
It also empowers you to ask for what you need at the moment and teaches you how to tune into your body and listen and honor her. A part of the pact is you don’t need to use your manners to ask him to make a change. We’ve been brought up to be good girls to say please and thank you, but the problem is that we’re in our beta brainwave state when we’re polite.
Our rational mind and good sex are in our theta state, the state of meditation. That’s why there are orgasmic meditation and theta brainwave states. If you have to get out of your sensation, out of your deep connection, out of your limbic body, and into this good girl-mode of “Could you, please go softer,” then you’ve left your body. You don’t feel your sensation anymore. Now you’re in the wrong brain state. He needs to understand that you blurting it out will turn you on more, and everybody wins.
He gets to do you the way you need to get done, and he gets to keep you in that low brainwave state. If he acknowledges you and says ‘okay, baby’ or ‘oh got it’ or ‘how’s this’ or ‘thank you, honey’ and encourages you to give him feedback, he knows that it’s not his fault. You’re on the same team with him. It’s you and him against your animal.
You need to be on the same page so that he can give you the incredible pleasure that he is biologically wired and driven to do. You need to train him. He needs to understand that the Sexual Soulmate Pact will turn him into the best lover.
The only feedback to give him not to contract, shrink, or yell at you. All of a sudden, you guys get excellent in bed.
It brings you out and accelerates your sexual and orgasmic potential. When I use the word boundaries, people think about it as a negative. If you don’t want to call it a limitation, you could call it an agreement.
For example, you’ve been with your lover 10,000 times, but it doesn’t matter because you’re different every day. You want and have boundaries. You might go out to dinner later, but you decide to have a make-out session, and you say ‘One of my boundaries now before we have this make-out is it’s okay with me if you mess up makeup, but don’t mess up my hair too badly. Don’t pull on it or get any oil or lube on it because we have to go out to dinner afterward, and it’ll take me twice as long to fix my hair and my makeup.’
Another example could be the entrance to my vagina is sore. The bioidentical hormones I’m using aren’t working for me anymore. I’m reformulating the situation, but it feels like ground glass if you penetrate me. If we’re going to have sex today, I want to spend a long time getting a prolonged genital massage. I want you to rub my yoni with tons of organic coconut oil. I want to relax on the pillows, and I want you to spend at least a half an hour bringing a lot of blood flow to that tissue.
Don’t put your fingers in until I ask you to work your way from the outside in. I want you to get my mons, outer and inner labia, sweet cheeks, thighs, and belly, full of blood. You will give me a yoni erection.
When I’m ready, get your fingers lubed up and almost pour lube into the entrance of my vagina. Go super slow with one finger and let me see how it feels. If I can handle it, maybe we can have intercourse, but if we can’t, it’s a boundary for me because I’m in pain.
I like to start with talking about sex with a potential partner and our sexual history.
This will give you a better idea of your partner with whom you’re getting into bed. There’s an essential component that you must understand: How to keep yourself safe because we’re talking about trusting the person you’re with.
On my website, BetterLover.com, I tell you what to say during the safe sex talk. You can print, paste it into a document, and put it in your wallet.
Eight questions take you through what to do, how to have the safe sex talk, and essentially it records your sexual history.
I don’t have sex with people unless they use a condom or until we are tested. We know we’re both clean and don’t have to use a condom because I’m using a fertility awareness method or a non-hormonal IUD. You talk about contraception because he needs to feel comfortable about your boundaries until you’re monogamous with each other and have been tested.
I will kiss and touch you, but I’m not going to allow you to put your mouth on my genitals. I’m not going to put my mouth on your genitals, and we won’t have genital to genital contact because I take my health too seriously. I do not want to contract any STDs because I can take an antibiotic to get rid of them but ruin my gut biome and have leaky gut, inflammation, and chronic illness. It’s a slippery slope that I don’t want to go down, and I want to keep you as safe as I want to keep myself, and that’s my deal. Are you willing to do that?
Personal safety creates trust, and most guys will have as much sex with as many women as possible without any protection and will lie to you and brag to your boyfriends about how many women they had sex with bareback.
“Well, she didn’t ask for the condom, so I didn’t use it.” They do not have a vaginal mucosa like we do that is so sensitive. Our mouths and yoni inside our vaginal canal are like sponges for bacterial infections and viruses. Every time you get something like that, your immune system takes a hit.
Herpes can turn into throat cancer, and it is too dangerous. People are flying worldwide, having sex with all kinds of people, and contracting viruses. There are Zika and syphilis outbreaks. There’s super syphilis, and you cannot be too careful.
If you can’t trust a guy who won’t do that for you, you don’t want to be with him. Jump a condom. T is transmissible. SG is a sexually transmitted infection.
Now, what’s the magic question when you know that a guy is right for you. What do you want out of a relationship?
The way to figure this out is to look back on your relationships and say whether they were either terrible or right. List the good things you got out of those and the things you hated.
You start with that, so you have set relationship values, things that you want in your relationship, essential things to you, and things that make you feel like you’re in the best relationship of your life. This is your perfect relationship because you’re getting your relationship values met.
Now you’ve heard of the golden rule, right? Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. That’s pretty common, but in relationships, you don’t want to follow that because your potential partner is a different person with an entirely different upbringing. This other sex wants different things than you do.
If you treat him the way you want to be treated, you’re treating him like a girl. Understand what your top relationship values are and what his top relationship values are.
y number one relationship value is security. I have been married 27 years to a man who would go around the house fixing things, locking the door, turning off the stove when he was a young boy. They called him super safe. That was how they made fun of my husband. Oh, there he goes super safe, locking the door.
He meets my need for security. I had a very insecure childhood, and a lot of tragedies befell me as a child. When I grew up, I wanted to be in a marriage where I felt safe, or I could finally breathe and know that my man has my back through thick and thin. I’ve got good tires on my car, my health insurance is paid. He sets the burglar alarm to protect me because I’m a very outgoing person. I’m very extroverted and will go out to a party because I’m a trusted, hot sex adviser to millions.
Some people think they can talk to me in ways that I don’t appreciate. Although I don’t mind people telling me things when it’s a personal question, I don’t like the way some people talk to me, and I can say to my husband our safe word, which is ‘stripes.’ I turn to him, and I go this is so ‘stripes’ and he gets between that person and me and says ‘hey, excuse me for a second. I gotta ask my wife a question.’ He moves me out of the situation. He has my back, my front, my sides, and my outsides.
My number two relationship value is freedom. Sir Tim is an introvert. He would sit in front of his computer for 40 hours a week and not go anywhere or do anything and sit there in his sweatpants, growing his beard, getting history in him. He loves to look at the stock market and all that. I have to get out and talk to people, and I got to have a glass of wine with friends.
He gives me the freedom to do the things I need to do. Not only that, he supports me in living my life to the fullest. He wants to make sure that I’m doing the things I want. So he takes total care of me and lets me do whatever I want. I wouldn’t stay with someone who gave me security but clamped down and tried to hold on to me because they don’t meet my values.
The third one for me is honesty. I love honesty and passion. I want him to spend a lot of time loving, touching, holding, and giving me incredible orgasms and having great sex with me in sexy places, which matches his number-one value, which is passion.
He would not be in a relationship. We almost got divorced because, after a decade of being married to him and not having orgasms from intercourse, I got bored with sex and checked out of our relationship’s sexual part. We had to bring that back by learning how to make love together. That’s how we started our company Personal Life Media together to teach sex techniques.
I cannot live without passion. I wouldn’t be in a relationship if it weren’t hot and sexy. However, it doesn’t mean we have intercourse every day. We have sex maybe once a week, but we touch, kiss, hug, and snuggle. You’re sensual together—many different ways to define that.
His number two is honesty. That guy does not like to be blindsided by anything. There’s nothing I couldn’t tell him that he would not have been able to handle. He’s solid as a rock, and he wants all the information, so if I grind the tires on the curb and mess up the wheels or I run a red light in my mother’s car, he drives me everywhere in 20 years.
He also wants fun and adventure, which I give him without even thinking about it because I’m a wild ride. He likes me to show him. Baby, you’re so smart. You could be doing this. Now he loves it when I show him what his potential is. We spent over a decade treating each other how we wanted to be treated and didn’t do well until we came across this concept of understanding and figuring out your relationship values. We got up every day and focused on, “I’ll give him passion. He will provide me with security. We’re going to be honest with each other because it’s juicy and exciting.”
Once we started doing that, 27 years together, we’re having the best sex of our lives and running our company together. We have a lovely heart-centered brilliant, gorgeous daughter who is a great kid and a gift to the universe because we parented her well together.
We were getting a divorce, but we came back together and discovered how to have sex. Nobody teaches you. Well, I’ll teach you. Nobody taught you in high school.
You won’t learn it on porn because it’s degrading to women. I do not like pornography and don’t think it’s worth watching. I know many women watch it to get turned on, and I wonder to myself, ‘Why are you filling your head with someone else’s idea of what your sex life should be like?’
All you need is within you now. Everything that turns you on will change as you mature. Everything you want and how you want to be touched and the ideas you want to try will come from here.
You don’t need to live someone else’s sexual agenda. Tap into her. She is inside, waiting to come out with the right partner she can trust and discover things with, and that’s cement. Be authentic about your desires and what is spicy or quirky to you. There are crazy, interesting, beautiful things to explore enough.
You turn on a man when you allow them into that world to learn together. He will also come up with crazy fantasy ideas for you, and you’re going to be ‘oh my god. I never thought of that. That sounds awesome.’
My husband is an endless pump of sexy ideas. I had to take a driver’s test because I ran that red light in my mom’s car. A 57-year old, and I was ‘Baby. I’ll have sex anyway you want if you take the driver’s test for me. He goes, I want you to dress up in a police girl’s uniform and have hot sex with me. I said, ‘You pick out the uniform. I’ll wear it, and I’ll have sex with you, but you better get me an A.’
I want you to get the Sexual Soulmate Pact and ask for what your body wants. Make that agreement with yourself, dig deep within, and honor your desires as they ebb, flow, change, and evolve. Get into a deal with every lover from this day and never do anything you don’t want to do.
Honor your body and ask for what you want. Create conditions and agreements with every lover and let it play full-out up to the edge of your boundaries, without going over. So you can be safe and trust that you will continue to have better and better sex your whole life.