How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

Hey you! I was wondering if you would be willing to have a lover’s agreement which will make me feel comfortable communicating my needs to you when we make love. Read more to learn how to ask for what you need during sex…

FREE Gift: The Sexual Soulmate Pact

[Susan] I was wondering if you would be willing to have a lover’s agreement, which would make me feel comfortable communicating my needs to you when we make love.

It sounds like you’re interested in having an explicit agreement between each other to feel comfortable sharing your needs when we’re intimate. 

[TJ] I’m open and interested in hearing what that looks like.

[Susan] Great! I appreciate that. I feel that you want to know this, so thank you.


I’ve learned that because I’m female, my hormonal fluctuations are very cyclical. Some days, I want to be held and stroked, and I want us to look at each other in the eyes. I want to have soft and loving kissing. 

Other times, I want you to grab me, throw me down on the bed, undress me, own my body, and move me around. I want you to ravish me. But I still need the warm-up. I don’t want you to jump right to my genitals. Instead, I want you to go down on me and rub my genitals. I want you to be expressive and do the things I need to get physically aroused. Let me feel your masculinity. I want you to show your desire and appetite for me. 

Sometimes, I’m a pussycat, while other times I’m a lioness. I never know where I’m going to be on that spectrum because of how cyclical I am. It should be safe to tell you because we’re animals with big brains like whales, dolphins, monkeys, and humans. I don’t have any control over my body. I can’t make her want to like anything on any given day. Would it be cool if I just reported in from my “animal.” 

I will tell you what she wants: whether hard, soft, or light, or do this, get this kink out of my neck, rub my feet, or squeeze my labia this way. Would you be cool if I shout out what my body’s telling me I need so I can have the most pleasure possible with you? 


[TJ] 100% yes. Communicating desire is fundamental, and I appreciate you asking us to grow closer and have clear communication. I understand we’re different in the sense that you’re cyclical. It changes often, and you never really know. 

To be spontaneous and, to use another metaphor, to ride the horse in the direction it’s going, clear communication is necessary. 

So please, I invite you. I welcome you sharing your desires, and the need to learn how to ask for what you need during sex. I appreciate that it relaxed my body and made me feel like I want you to hold me because I feel so honored. 


[Susan] I have one last thing about how it makes it work well and makes me feel like you’re so masculine when you do it a certain way. This is not just for me but for all women. I need to yell stuff out and not have to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ If I don’t have to use my manners, I don’t have to get out of my theta brainwave state of surrendered pleasure and into my beta-awaken and aware-state good girl manners.

I want to shout things out to you, and I want you to know I want you to be solid inside. You’d have to say, “She didn’t bark an order. She just told me what she needed without having to be a good girl. She will be a bad girl in the bedroom and tell me what she needs. I’ll say, ‘Baby. I got it. How’s this?’ or ‘Thank you, baby. Tell me more.”

I want you to be willing for me to shout things out. You need to keep encouraging me to do it every time. If I yell it out and you don’t contract, I’ll know you want the feedback. 

You won’t take it personally because it’s my crazy body telling me to learn how to ask for what you need during sex. If you thank and encourage me to do it, it opens up the floodgates to let you dial in and create incredible pleasure with me together. 


[TJ] Beautiful! That sounds great! This is an excellent little role-play communication. For those listening, I would encourage them to reflect and ask themselves, “How was Susan communicating and sharing from a woman’s perspective, and how was I responding back and forth?” What does your current communication look like with your partner? Is there an opportunity for progress clarity of communication regarding your desires? 

Men don’t take things personally all the time. Often, when things are stressful in a relationship, people take things personally. This is from the Four Agreements, another must-read book for people to understand what that means to take something personally and how it’s not always necessary. 

Men, you can explore things about you together. However, just because someone talks about their desires in a certain way, it doesn’t mean it’s about you. 

[Susan] You did a fantastic job. A++, TJ! You can download the Sexual Soulmate Pact and read through it with your partner and establish that agreement. Learn how to ask for what you need during sex. You teach them how to have that lover’s understanding like we just went through here. You and I just modeled a super-conscious, trippy version of the typical conversation because we are California communicators!

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Comment (2)

  1. First may I thank you for your direct approach to delicate sexual topics. I am uncertain if this site may be used to discuss unique sexual difficulties I am experiencing or if the site is used to recommend videos already available. However, I have reached a roadblock with my partner and I have no suggestions available.
    I am an older male attempting to seek sexual pleasure with an older female. In keeping this brief no doubt you recognize the possibility of additional physical and mental barriers as each of us to reach sexual Nirvana.
    One additional comment is that my sexual attempt has probably ended a relationship that may have been the best for both older partners if sex would not have been a factor.
    Thank you for your response. I only ask that my email address and name not be a part of public display and I appreciate that consideration.

    1. Hi Gary,
      If you have specific questions I’d be delighted to advise. Just get yourself on my email list and reply to any email I send out. I will respond.
      Join my list here:

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