[Brianna] I’m Brianna Wunderlin and I want to welcome you to Spark Your Divine Feminine Power Through Pleasure where we bring together some of the world’s teachers to fire up our divine power, pleasure, and feminine energy. This creational energy power is the world and we want you to find its power within and use it to elevate your everyday experience of life to new heights and new purpose.
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I’m here with Susan Bratton. She is an intimacy wellness expert. She’s a champion and advocate for all those who desire intimacy and passion their whole life. She’s a best-selling author and publisher of lovemaking techniques and bedroom communication skills including Sexual Soulmates, Relationship Magic, Revive Her Drive, The Steamy Sex Ed Video Collection, Hormone Balancing, The Pump Guide and Thrust in Time as a small selection of her 34 books and programs. You can find the Susan Bratton Show on YouTube at BetterLover.com, her more personal posts @susanbratton on Instagram, and her sexual vitality supplements FLOW, BOOST, DESIRE, and DRIVE at The20store.com. She will be talking to us about untamed sexual transformation, smashing the patriarchal view of female sexuality.
[Susan] Smashing the patriarchal view of sexuality. Let’s get that done today! So, I have a question for you, Brianna. When you were envisioning your summit, what made you choose this topic?
[Brianna] I think we often choose our growing edge and I feel I have access to a lot of pleasure, and I would say I’m getting in the sexual aspect of it and have made some great headway in that respect. Also, just my experience of joy and pleasure and moving in a juicier, sensual way in the world. I really wanted to bring that through and I have a strong connection with the Divine Feminine. To me, that means a sacred connection to the Divine Mother and that’s a huge aspect that has, like you said, been marginalized throughout human history. From marginalizing Mary Magdalene as the whore instead of the divine manifestation she was with Jesus. That’s why I chose it.
[Susan] Women aren’t really aware of the power of their pleasure fueling their creativity and their confidence. I think women underestimate or are unaware of how much more confident you are when you’re having really incredible sex that’s very pleasurable, connected, and satisfying. It’s almost like if you’ve never had it, sometimes you think maybe it’s not even real or it’s only attainable by a few people, or it’s not available to you, and that’s why when you contacted me and you told me your summit concept, I immediately wrote back. Let’s talk about flipping the story of what sexuality could be like because I had some very good mentors here in Marin County, California. We are in a location that has a nexus of human transformation, personal growth and development and next-generation sexuality that is spiritual and feminine-forward. A lot of people have heard the phrase “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” but people aren’t having sex like that generally.
When you talk to the wise elders of the human sexuality movement, both women and people across the gender spectrum, and who are wise and acknowledge that it’s the woman who when she is pleased, the best sex happens. when she’s in her full sexual birth right. At the same time, they warn that unleashing a woman’s true and full sexuality can be very intimidating for the average partner because when a woman is completely turned on and completely orgasmic, she is a force to be reckoned with in a way that can scare people, even the woman herself. Because it is so big and powerful and full of desire and expressed, most women never get the opportunity to achieve sexual expression at that level. They hold themselves back or they are held down by their partner’s disapproval or shame.
So, having the opportunity to be a woman who has been sexually, massively self-expressed and extremely orgasmic, I feel that I am one of the rare and lucky women in the world. That’s one of the reasons why I like to call myself an orgasmanaut, where I’m basically an astronaut of orgasm, where I’ve gone way out. You said it’s my edge. That’s why I want to explore it. I have been so far out on the edge of orgasmic and sexual experience in the sacred realms, not in the dark realms. Dark means they were unknown but not dark of spirit. They were light of spirit.
I’ve been way out there to the point sometimes where I’ve gone back to my mentors who are further out than I am and said I’m afraid to let go to the next level. What’s going to happen? Am I going to lose myself? Am I going to come so much and so hard that I’m going to lose my way? One of my mentors, Dr. Patti Taylor was the one who I asked about this. She said it might take you a little while to get back but you’ll get back. Let go and go out there. That’s when I began to discover something called orgasmic meditation or extended massive orgasm or expanded orgasm. I would go into a conjoined trance state with my husband Tim where I could come for a half an hour. I could be in orgasm that moment of climax. I could stretch that out for an hour. I’ve come for an hour straight just to see if I could. Just until I had to get a glass of water because I was thirsty.
All of the artifice that pushes our sexuality down is masculine fear of how powerful we will be when we have our day of coming. So that’s why I said yes. [Brianna] And she came for a really long time. This interview will be shorter than that. I wanted to ask you a question because I know one other person like you and I was thinking about writing her an email the other day. I asked her these questions about the technicality of is it just expanding in your body the capacity to feel pleasure and you keep expanding it incrementally until you can be the container for that much flow of energy? That’s part of it. [Susan] There’s different kinds of orgasms. There’s being able to feel them, then there’s being able to hold the sensation, then there’s releasing into it and riding it like you’d ride a wave. Those are all facets of an orgasm. All those things get better with practice and this goes back to the patriarchal view. When I say we, I’m talking to generally most people. Not me and probably not you and probably not the women who are watching us.
When we think about orgasm, we think about that Kinsey-type of orgasm where you going up, you’re going up, you have the climax and then everything’s over. That’s the reason I call that the patriarchal view because I think that’s how men think about orgasm. They think “I’m building up to that. I’m ejaculating and then I’m done. Then I’m in my refractory period. So maybe I’m 18 and I can do it again in 10 minutes or I’m 80 and I can do it again in a week. First of all, that’s not even how men can come. Men are short-changing themselves by being addicted to the ejaculatory expression of orgasm. Men can have full-body orgasms where they just ride the wave of orgasm without ejaculating Ejaculation is when it’s over and I like for men to think about themselves as being men who can ride orgasm and have full-body orgasm and stay in orgasmic expression for as long as they want, and then if they decide that they’d like to have an ejaculation, that’s what I call a ejaculatory choice. He can release and then it’s over, and depending on his age, he could do it again. Because men think that’s how it is. They’re shortchanging themselves too. It’s not they can ride orgasm as long as we can, they just don’t because they don’t know.
Women have often adopted that same idea. Ride it up, have that sneeze of an orgasm, and then you’re done. In fact, you can have orgasms just sitting here. You can have orgasms in yoga class. You can have orgasms from kissing. You can have orgasms from full-body touch. You can have think-gasms. You can just think about having orgasms and have orgasms. You can run orgasmic energy through your body. It’s a skill you learn. Another thing is that many women think that they can’t have orgasms from intercourse and they just haven’t learned how yet, and most women who haven’t had them think to themselves “I’m just not the kind of woman who can when in fact that’s just a limiting belief because it’s something you learn just like riding a bicycle or baking a cake. It’s a learned skill that takes a little practice and that’s it. When women shortchange themselves from believing that they are orgasmic or they have one path to orgasm and that’s the only path. They don’t cross train as my one of my mentor Sherri Winston calls it. Orgasmic cross-training is when you get started on the thing, you’re good at, and then you add in something else and try to bridge that gap of that orgasm over to the new way so you become massively multi-orgasmic in many ways.
I think that’s one piece of why orgasm is very patriarchal. It’s this one and done type of thing or it’s “I’ve had a climax and now I’m over.” Many women have one orgasm and then they’re too sensitive. Maybe they’ve stimulated their clitoris and given themselves orgasms and they’re too sensitive and they don’t want to touch their clitoris anymore. Almost all women tend to over-stimulate themselves because that’s how they get to have that orgasm. One of the things that’s interesting about Expanded Orgasm where you go into that moment of climax and then you stretch that out like you’re pulling taffy, like you’re pulling time. Like a time-warp on an orgasm.
You’re staying in that moment of climax for a really long time. The Expanded Orgasm practice is sometimes called deliberate massive orgasm, extended massive orgasm, or orgasmic meditation. There’s a lot of different names for this notion of expanding the moment of climax. When you do that, the technique to get into that place consists of a very light touch. Two o’clock under the hood, touching the meat of the clitoral head and shaft. Super-light, intentional stroking so that you don’t blow your circuits and you can maintain that orgasm. But that’s just one kind of orgasm. Once you learn how to get into the state and ride it, you can have orgasms from oral pleasuring, manual stimulation, penile stimulation, toy stimulation, from any number of things and in any number of places on your body, like nipple-gasms, tongue kissing gasms, giving oral pleasure and having throat ‘gasm, or G area, anal orgasms, belly gasms or foot gasms. Almost any kind of stimulation can put a woman into orgasm if the conditions are right for her.
So, these are some things I feel are part of the patriarchal view. One more thing I’d like to say about the patriarchal view that’s a really big one is men, the masculine testosterone- dominant beings we often make love to are very goal-oriented because they are testosterone-dominant and they are “Let’s go” and we as the feminine are a windy, lazy river. It takes us a long time to get turned on. Except in the case of new relationship, energy when we’re super-hot for someone and we can be ready for because we were already ready before we were with them. Because men are so ready to go right to penetration, they don’t give us the time and we don’t give ourselves the time to get fully engorged and warmed up. I think that’s another reason why many women struggle to achieve an orgasm much less 27 different kinds of orgasms that go on and on and on for hours because we never get the proper blood flow. If you think about a penis, it looks like a banana and half of it is sticking out of his body and half of it is up inside his body. He’s got 50% of his erectile tissue in the buried shaft deep inside his abdomen. So, he’s got the banana that’s almost all erectile tissue.
It’s those chambers of erectile spongy tissue that get filled with blood for an erection. We have the same amount. I daresay, pound-for-pound, we have more erectile tissue than men do. If you took out all of our erectile tissue pieces and put them on a scale and took the erectile tissue out of his penis and put it on scale, I bet ours weighs more generally across most women because we have the clitoral head, the clitoral shaft, the clitoral arms, the clitoral legs, the perineal sponge, the urethral sponge. That’s a lot of tissue.
Our banana is 5% showing, 95% inside us and it’s harder to get to and we don’t get enough stimulation and blood flow. You need a lot of hydration. We need a lot of healthy fats. We need a lot of estrogen to keep the tissue plump and fluffy. We need all that stimulation to get our whole vulva to be plump and fluffed up. If you’ve ever had sex for the whole weekend, you look at your vulva at the end of the weekend and you could touch it with a feather and it would feel good because it’s really ripe and plump and juicy like a peach. Whereas he started on Friday night and it was flaccid and soft and it was mostly skin and there just wasn’t a lot of material there. By this by Sunday, you have this ripe tissue and that’s why the longer you have sex, the better the orgasms get because you’ve got more surface area, more blood flow that just feels better. When it’s plump on the outside, it’s plump on the inside. It’s interesting, I just took a peptide called PT 141. You have to inject it. Wells pharmacy has a nasal version, and a drug company took this peptide and turned it into something called (?).
It’s a one-time injection a woman can give herself. It’s an arousal product for women who have hypoactive sexual desire disorder which is 99% bullshit. There are probably some women who have some pathways that got messed up either congenitally or what-have-you but I think generally most women just never got enough stimulation, never had a good lover. Now they feel they’ve got some disease. But this peptide is really interesting. I injected it because I try everything, and I noticed it was funny because they say different people have a different onset time for it.
Men can take it; women can take it. Many men who have trouble getting an erection with Viagra or the PDE5 inhibitors, sometimes have another channel they can use which is this Melanotan channel. Melanocortin I think they’re called, and it might work for those guys too. This PT 141, I took it and I went to get my hair colored and I could feel it kick in. The way I could feel it kick in was it literally engorged my genitals from the inside out. It was the first time because I know what general engorgement feels like, and it was the first time I had ever had inside-out engorgement. I could feel that whole urogenital erectile tissue structure getting full of blood which is essentially what Viagra does. It fills up the genital structure with blood. It uses a different pathway, and I had good orgasms. It didn’t make me any hornier than I normally am because I generally have a good solid libido, and I’m very comfortable with my sex life. I enjoy having sex so I don’t have any struggles around that. Though, I used to. ‘
I didn’t have orgasm from intercourse. I hadn’t had female ejaculation. I had struggled to have orgasms. I had all these problems. Why I’m a sexpert is I solved my problems and then I said “I got to tell everybody how to do this right!” But it was so interesting to see what it was like. It was almost like day three of sex just from taking that injection of that peptide PT 141 and feeling how I got engorge from the inside out instead of from the outside-in. Many women have never achieved engorgement enough to have the orgasmic pleasure that the average guy feels all the time because it’s so much easier for him to get a hard-on. I talk a lot to women about clitoral erections and the importance of it. It’s more than a clitoral erection because that’s just a piece of it, the urethral and perineal sponge, all that mons tissue, everything can get engorged. There’s so much spongy tissue down there. But you have to start with at least women are aware that the clitoris is a good thing to get turned on, and then “I have to get it really turned on. I got to get it erect. I got to see the shaft pop so I can feel like my I have a little clitoral boner. Once a woman starts to get to that level, she can take the next steps to get the rest of the tissue going.
[Brianna] Wow, there’s a lot to explore. What would you say about women? They have to also explore their inner landscape. Because from what I’m hearing, there are differences between men and women and I also think of masculine and feminine principles. The feminine have to go inside and it’s more mysterious, let’s say. It takes more time which is what you’re illuminating as well. How do women switch their mind frame, from the masculine, or patriarchal to the feminine? How do they slow time with more exploration and get their partner on board with that as well?
[Susan] Yoni massage. The yoni is another word for female genitals and the analogous for the penis is lingam. Yoni and Lingam are tantric lovemaking words that I like to use instead of vagina which I don’t even use anymore. I use vulva, but vulva doesn’t sound so great so I always say yoni. I like the yoni, and the reason we don’t use vagina anymore to talk about our genitals is because it’s the sheath into which the penis fits. It’s the birth canal essentially.
Many women are taking back our genitals in their entirety not just the part that the masculine cares about. By saying it’s our vagina when we’re talking about our genitals feels too many women like it’s an oppressed patriarchal term for our genitals. A lot of women say “Vulva sounds like malva! It doesn’t even sound good!” We’ve co-opted the word yoni from Sanskrit which is Tantra.
Tantra is Kama Sutra style slow, sacred sex, and that’s where that word comes from. Yoni massage is female genital massage, and one of the things that I really recommend to couples is to learn how to give good yoni and lingam massages. The yoni needs a lot of your fingers.
Think about it. Let’s say we’re in a masculine-feminine relationship because that just makes it easier. If you’re not, I support across the gender all gender expression. I love gender fluidity and gender expression, but it’s just easier when you’re talking about it to say his and hers because it’s the most common paradigm number one and number two. If you’re listening to it and you’re not a his-and-hers, if you don’t have a penis and a vulva or a lingam and a yoni. If you’re a yoni person or a lingam person, it’s totally good, but usually hot sex comes from the masculine and the feminine being present together.
The magnetism, the attraction of the opposites is a thing, and you can switch. You mature your whole life, you’re maturing every day, your sexuality is maturing every day too if you’re putting an intention on your sexuality. Attention and intention to mature. As you mature and become more sexually confident and have more sexually positive experiences and even negative ones that you grow from silver linings, you can get better at being switchy. You can completely surrender and be ravished. The next time, you can be the masculine and be the ravisher to your male body partner.
So, I want to leave a lot of expansiveness for that. I think it is really important for each person in the relationship to get really good at manual massage because there’s fingers and hands. There’s a mouth and tongue and there’s the penis and/or toy. They’re all great. Throw some toys into the mix. It’s awesome – and no using a vibrator doesn’t ruin your chances of having regular clitoral orgasms. It’s all good training. Come as much as possible in every way you can and keep going. You’ve got a penis. It’s kind of a blunt instrument or a dildo or a vibrator. It doesn’t have articulation. The tongue and mouth are very articulate, but there’s nothing more articulate than digits. They have a level of sensation only eclipsed by the tip of the clitoris.
The tips of your tongue, of your fingers, of your clitoris are highly enervated. Lots of nerve endings. When you have the ability to use your fingers to massage a yoni, to get that tissue really moving, slippery, fluid and wonderful and you’re bringing blood, you literally can push blood into the yoni with your hands. You can touch every part. You can go in the vagina.
You can touch the whole upper roof of the G area, all that urethral sponge, and you can go to the bottom and touch the perineal sponge that’s between the rectum and the vaginal canal on the bottom and plump that up. You can touch the sides of the vagina where the nerves run down into the legs and enliven that. You can touch up into the cervical area. There’s so much wonderful labial tissue. The fourchette where the labia come together at the bottom, the perineal area, the groin, the mons. A trick to having female ejaculatory orgasms is getting the tissue on the mons like gelatin, like jelly. When you do that, the Skene’s gland can really recruit a lot more fluid into the urethral canal. When you have a female ejaculation, you get more fluid and every woman can ejaculate. Every woman has the potential to ejaculate.
It is a learned skill. Some women do it naturally just like some women have orgasms from intercourse naturally. They do it naturally the rest of us had to find and create the pleasure pathways to releasing our feminine waters. When you get that g-spot or goddess massage and you release your waters, I’ll tell you something, you never go back to who you were. It changes you as a woman. You feel like you’ve reached into a level of your own goddess potential and you feel like you release some things that have been stuck in there for a really long time.
I always say female ejaculation and notice I don’t say ejaculatory orgasm because they’re two separate systems. You can ejaculate without having an orgasm and you can orgasm without ejaculating. Or you can ejaculate and have an orgasm at the same time. It’s the same with a man. When he orgasms, he can orgasm without ejaculating or with ejaculating. Or you can ejaculate and not feel an orgasm.
There are two separate systems that we get in our head are the same thing. They’re not. All of that yoni massage, taking the time to slow down and be in the matriarchal view of sexuality which is I owe me a half hour pussy massage before I could even think about having sex. If in a half an hour I don’t still feel like it, if I feel like something else, I will do that. If I don’t, we’re not having sex. That’s the thing I want women to understand. When you stop having sex because you think you should, as you think, it’s your responsibility because you think you owe anybody anything. Stop that. Listen to what your yoni wants. Just give her what she needs and it changes every day because you are a hormonally cyclical woman who runs with the wolves by the moonlight. You are a lunar creature.
What you wanted yesterday is different from what you want today, which is different from what you wanted five minutes ago. When you start to tune in to what your body wants and ask for it, then you can get to that pace that’s right for you in the moment. That’s when hell can finally break loose in the bedroom for you. Until then, when you’re just doing what you think you’re doing living under someone else’s rules, doing something out of expectation, doing something you saw in the movies which is bullshit or on porn which is degrading to women, you have to cut that shit out and listen to what you want inside you and honor that. That’s how you become a gushing goddess.
[Brianna] That sounds magnificent.
[Susan] You look like a little angel there. What are you wearing? I’m wearing a pashmina. I feel like I’m talking to you and you’re in heaven. You’re a little angel in heaven with your white background and your little pashmina. What else do you want to talk about? Or do you want to say anything about what I just said? Process a bit about that for me.
[Brianna] I want to define this orgasmic energy that you’re talking about in a way people can more easily identify it. I feel like I have an idea of what you’re talking about but a feeling of it in my body is really how I identify it. Maybe you can put more words to it so it’s more easily identifiable. Women who ask “How do I get this orgasm but it has nothing to do with what they’ve identified as the climax of orgasm.
[Susan] What does it feel like in the moment of climax for you? Describe what it feels like in your body?
[Brianna] It feels like an explosion. I have experienced that’s what it normally feels like. I can also turn it inverse and extend that that experience inside my body. That makes sense? I’m guessing this is the climax and that extension is more the orgasmic energy that you’re trying to identify.
[Susan] There’s a million ways to describe it but melty, warm, honey, liquid, glowing, restorative, healing, warm honey is a lot of your whole insides.
Even just shooting out of your body is the most delicious. Do you know how when you have to pee really bad and when you sit down and you pee, it almost melts your lower jaw and like makes your mouth water. It feels like you get pee chills. It along those lines in a way but more erotic and sensual. Hopefully, the partner you’re with, if you’re with a partner and it’s not self- pleasuring. There’s a deep connection. It’s very soul affirming and makes you feel not alone, more connected to other, safe and desired. There’s erotic hotness to it and there’s a proudness to it. Look at me.
I’m having an incredible orgasm right now. This is great! There’s that out-of-body meta mind experience of it as well. So, all this is happening simultaneously. Your arms and legs are limp and flowy and you’re feeling a vibration in your body. Also, there might be hot spots of pleasure in your body. Maybe it’s your clitoris or in your vagina or in your stomach or if you’re going down on a guy and you’ve got his penis in your mouth and that’s what’s making you cum.
So, you’re feeling that full feeling. There’s lots of dimension to the pleasure of orgasm. I’m loving the conversation and how you’re talking about it because it’s making it more than norm. We’re talking about it’s very normally. Whereas I can see some people who may be listening might find their edges like “I’m a little scandalized by that. I’m not sure about that part.” I just want to appreciate you for making it normal and meta communicate that. That’s one of the steps to the process of unleashing that juiciness in ourselves and in the world and with each other. Having these conversations.
[Susan] I love that you created that space for the conversation because if you are feeling the edge of my conversation, its shame that someone put into your life that you need to shirk off like a cloak that doesn’t fit you anymore. The edge you might be experiencing listening to Briana and I talk is someone else’s agenda to control you. Let’s say you start to get really sexually expressed and they contract. It’s not them, it’s the program they’ve been led to play in their head. You have to have compassion for them too.
Any time someone shuts you down, you don’t get mad at them. Flip that to compassion which is “That’s a shame. That’s a bummer that they just shut me down. That means they’re super triggered and they don’t know the pleasure possibility. I have to love them into opening to more.
[Brianna] That’s a beautiful solution. I would guess that loving ourselves is the same thing. Opening into more pleasure as well.
[Susan] Self-pleasuring is a great way to do it. Last summer, I did a 30-day self-pleasuring challenge. I was traveling for a month and I took a couple of different vibrators with me, and every morning I self-pleasured. There were a couple of mornings when I said, “I really want to do it.” I wasn’t going to MAKE myself, but I had the intention of having as many self-pleasuring moments in that month as possible. I told my husband with whom I was traveling that I was going to do this and that it wasn’t going to take away from his amount of sex. He was going to get that. It was likely going to increase the pie. Many people have a fixed pie mentality.
I took a really great class. I went to Stanford and took a class on influence and negotiation. There’s a concept called the fixed pie mentality. It says there’s this much pie and I’m going to get a piece. I’m going to get some of it. You’re going to get some of it but that’s all there is. If I’m going to self-pleasure, then I’m taking a piece of the pie out of our sex life. I explained to my husband that I was growing a bigger pot. I was making a bigger pie. We were still going to have the same amount of sex, maybe even more because I was probably going to be more turned-on, and that it wasn’t going to interrupt anything he would be getting. I wanted to have the space to masturbate and we were traveling.
Every day when we got up, he would go down and forage for our lattes. The bear would leave the den and bring back lattes. 21st century hunting. Where’s the Starbucks? When he would leave, I would masturbate. I loved masturbating when he was gone because I needed the privacy. I didn’t want to masturbate around him. I just couldn’t concentrate if he was lurking around. I can remember that it took about ten days and then my yoni was really nice and engorged, and I hit a new level of orgasmic pleasure because I was already engorged. Tim is really good at giving me yoni massages and intercourse. Those are his two best things and both felt even better than normal because I had been masturbating.
I really love to encourage women to do a lot of solo exploration and to try to make yourself come in a lot of different ways and use a lot of fantasy because that also adds to the turn-on. Then, when you’re with your partner, also do a lot of sensual talk. Some people like it more than others but there’s all different kinds. I’ll make sure to give my book on dirty talk to you. It at www.dirtytalkbook.com. I’ll give that to you as a link so you can put it below the video. It teaches you different ways to talk dirty that aren’t dirty because I don’t really like the name dirty talk. It’s not dirty. It’s sensual and sexy. It’s pillow talk. It’s bedroom talk. It’s whisper talk. One of my favorite ways to do it is to worship each other. Worship the genitals.
So, yoni worship and lingam worship especially when let’s just say you have your male body partner and you’re pleasuring them with your hands and you’re telling them how beautiful their lingam is. That’s a really nice combination, and if he or she can do that to you when they’re giving you a yoni massage and tell you how beautiful your yoni is, and how it’s changing over time and how it’s getting pinker and more plump and now you see the clitoris popping out and it’s starting to glisten, and you can feel the moisture coming and how responsive it is and how fresh it looks and how delicious it smells.
That’s very reassuring for a woman to get verbal appreciation and adoration. It helps expand your orgasmic envelope [Brianna] So beautiful. I’m guessing we can also do that for ourselves when we’re feeling ourselves as well. Is there anything you want to leave us with to tie it all together? [Susan] I’m trying to think about all the things we were going to talk about. I want to see if I hit all my points. Do you remember anything that you definitely wanted to talk about? We talked about the masculine perspective. We talked about reclaiming the feminine goddess. We talked about giving your yoni exactly what she wants, not making yourself ever do anything because I think your yoni gets a chip on her shoulder every time you do something that doesn’t feel right. She gets angrier, and the angrier she gets, the less she will like sex generally.
[Brianna] Just like you.
[Susan] What do you mean?
[Brianna] I mean like a woman. Then, selfish sex is the biggest gift of all. It is the whole idea that when you’re totally turned on, when you’re asking for what you want in the moment, when you’ve acknowledged that what you want today is different from what you wanted yesterday or even a minute ago and they were totally present to your desire and you’re satisfying your yoni’s desire, then you are giving your partner the gift of your satisfaction. I found that most women are always afraid to tell their guy, and I’m specifically talking man in this case. They’re afraid to tell him what they want because he’ll go “I know what I’m doing!” or make you feel bad for asking. But that’s not him. It’s his testosterone programming him to assume he has to know the answer. He’s expected to know the answer so he doesn’t want to let you down.
So, when he does that, go back to compassion and say it’s his hormonal programming that made him have that reaction. He’s not mad at me for telling him. He’s disappointed in himself because he thinks he did something wrong. I have another technique I’ll give you too. It’s called the Sexual Soulmate pact. It’s a downloadable PDF that you can read with your partner. You come into this agreement of I’m going to tell you everything moment by moment.
You tell me everything moment by moment so that we can be in tune. We can be attuned to our needs in that moment instead of worrying “I did this to her yesterday but now she doesn’t like it.” How could I? I’m a totally different person today in this moment than I was yesterday. I’m constantly evolving. I’m on an evolutionary path so let’s get on an evolutionary path with our sex life. Let’s get on an upward pleasure spiral together.
So, the Sexual Soulmate Pact acknowledges that we are animals. We love to think we’re these lofty human beings but we’re basically primates. We’re on the same branch the tree of life as orangutans, bonobos and chimpanzees. We’re on the monkey branch. We’re monkeys so we’re ruled by our hormones, our blood sugar and how much sleep we’ve had, and whether we’re thirsty. So, let’s acknowledge that.
The second piece of the pact is “When I just shout stuff out, I don’t need to use my manners. I’m just going to tell you what I need. You’re going to be “Got it babe. How’s this? Is this any better?” You’re going to acknowledge because if I shout it out and you contract, you can retrain yourself to turn your contraction into desire for feedback. Once you see that you become a better lover by getting more feedback, then you become hungry for the feedback. I need to give you confirmation that I did a good job. I need your approval when I give you the feedback or I will contract.
You try not to contract and I’ll try not to contract so that we can get on the same page. We have to get over our initial fear of me saying something wrong and upsetting you and you feeling like you did something wrong or were getting rejected. Once we can master that dynamic and get beyond it together, then we get on that upward pleasure spiral into sacred sexuality. We touch souls, we find God. Together we transform ourselves into confident, secure, well-loved, deeply-connected human souls. It’s worth getting over it to get to that. I think that’s one last thing. I wanted to cover. Now I feel complete. I had my list, Brianna. You’re doing a good job helping women out in the world find this information. Thank you for putting the summit together.
[Brianna] Thank you so much for joining us. It was super enlightening. Come and enjoy Susan’s many gifts she will give you below, and thank you so much for listening and watching and being present with us. See you soon.