In this insightful discussion, Susan delves into the art of ageless intimacy and the potential for a vibrant love life at any stage. She emphasizes the physical and hormonal benefits of maintaining a healthy sex life, debunking common myths and offering practical tips. Susan addresses the importance of communication in relationships, encourages the creation of a “Sex Life Bucket List,” and provides guidance on overcoming emotional obstacles to intimacy. The post concludes with empowering insights into self-pleasure and the transformative impact of embracing one’s sexuality throughout life.
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Susan: So we have the potential to become better lovers the older we get. Even though our bodies start to age and atrophy, and we can do things about that, we gain a lifetime of knowledge. Benefits of sex as we age are myriad. Uh, the very first one is that it’s actually a vascular event when you make love. And when you’re pushing all of that blood flow.
It’s great for your heart, it’s great for your cognitive function, it’s just a healthy event. Another thing that’s really important about having good intimacy until you die, the day you die, I want to go out having great sex the day I die, is that it’s great for your hormones. You push a lot of oxytocin, you release vasopressin, prolactin.
So it’s leveraging and utilizing hormones and your hormonal system in ways that other things you do don’t have the same effect. Another thing that’s very healthy about making love is that our body fluids are actually good for each other. I know this sounds crazy, but In semen, there are many, many benefits for the partner.
There are over 20 ingredients in semen that actually help you be more healthy. There’s serotonin, which is a mood lifter. There’s luteinizing hormone that regulates all your other master hormones, even after menopause. There’s, um, zinc for cognitive function, there’s testosterone, which is wonderful for giving us courage and, you know, get her done attitude and things like that.
Uh, so there’s so much in that as well as in saliva when you’re kissing. Our bodies are very symbiotic and supportive of each other from a health perspective. And then of course you can’t forget. All the oxytocin from being held and being loved and also another really important thing that you get is co regulation.
And co regulation is when two people soothe each other. And we need the time out from our busy lives to have those moments of soothing or co regulating each other’s nervous systems, as well as orgasm being a fantastic nervous system reset. It kind of reboots our system in a way that nothing else does.
So those are just, in addition to the things like feeling loved, feeling connection, feeling belonging, those are some of the actual physical manifestations of why having good sex your whole life is so valuable to your health. So we have the potential to become better lovers the older we get. Even though our bodies start to age and atrophy, and we can do things about that, we gain a lifetime of knowledge.
The thing that’s interesting about sex, so many people harbor this resentment with their parents like, my parents never told me anything about sex. And I say to them, well, first of all, when you were living at home with your parents, if your parents even Kissed each other, you would give them the biggest eye roll.
Oh, mom, dad, stop it. You know, you would hit. They couldn’t even have talked to you about sex if they knew what to talk about. And so I often have to tell people. Forgive, forget, and move on. It wasn’t, it’s not really your parents job to teach you about sex. Even if you would have listened, which you wouldn’t have, it is your job to learn about your sexuality.
If you are a person who cares about your sexuality, it is really a part of your personal growth. And as we age and we go through the decades, in the 20s everything is new. In the 30s many of us are having our children and we’re, And we don’t have time for sex. In our 40s, we start thinking, Oh, well, the kids are finally having sleepovers elsewhere.
Maybe mom and dad could actually have some sex again. And then by the time we get to our 50s, we’re like, Oh boy, use it or lose it. You’re starting to feel your mortality. But if you keep up with your sexuality, because all. is learned skills. The interesting thing is that a lot of people think you should just know what to do.
A lot of people think they do know what to do and they don’t know much. But really, it’s gaining skills over the decades that make you a better lover as you age. So you’re a better lover in your 60s. Frankly, at 61, I’m having the best sex of my life. Fantastic. Because I do regenerate. regenerative therapies, and I learn new skills and I’ve had more time to practice them.
So that really creates a perfect storm of the last part of your life, especially with a good health span, with good longevity, you can be having the most incredible sex of your life. So one of the things I do is spend a lot of time dispelling myths about lovemaking as we age. Um, I want people to understand that their best sex is ahead of them, not behind them.
That as they get older, they get more skill and they enjoy themselves more. When you’re older, people often are more willing to… Let go of body issues, body shame issues, which plague especially younger women. Um, it’s like, ah, well, I’m gonna die soon. I might as well use it instead of lose it, right? I mean, you just kind of let those things go after a while and that helps you connect to yourself and connect to your partner.
So, um, I think that the myth of I have to be perfect to be sexually desirable goes away. Another thing that I think is a myth that I often Um, explain to people is that there are so many of my fans and followers who are in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, and even a couple in their 90s, who are making love multiple times a week, even daily, with no problem at all, and having an absolutely wonderful time.
As a matter of fact, um, even people in old age homes are still making love with each other. I mean, really, y you never… If you’re, if you’re healthy, and that’s, your libido, your desire for sex, your libido, your horniness, is really the other side of the same coin as your health. So if you keep yourself healthy, your libido will stand the test of your lifetime.
You can be born… with desire and die with desire. And it doesn’t ever have to go away if you’re healthy. The last thing that I would say that is the most common misunderstanding about sexuality is that in a way men are born with some sexual competitive advantages over women. Not that we don’t have plenty of advantages too, but men have more testosterone generally than women.
That makes them just want sex more often. They are biologically wired to masturbate to keep their sperm fresh because we’re we’re here to replicate ourselves. That is what we are doing. And men need to be ready because women’s desire is a little more inscrutable. When is she going to want it? So he’s gotta be ready.
So he’s thinking about sex more frequently and he has a third competitive advantage and that’s the advantage of what’s called hemodynamics, which goes back to fast acting blood flow. The penis being a straight shot is a much easier thing to get engorged with blood than a female’s genitals, which are more, I always describe them as an English muffin.
Now usually I make my mouth water when I talk about this little analogy, but you know how you get an English muffin out of the refrigerator and you, you open it, you know, you cut it in half and you get the toaster out and you put the muffin in and it pops up, but it’s not quite toasty enough. So then you have to push The thing down again and it pops up.
Okay, now it’s nice and toasty. The butter is hard as a rock because it’s been in the fridge. So you get the butter and you put it on the muffin and you smash it together. And then you have to wait for the butter to melt into the nooks and crannies. The nooks and crannies are basically the female genitals.
So what happens is that men are ready to go. They’re born ready. They wake up ready. And women, we’re on this 28 day cycle. Even after menopause, we still have our moon cycles. And what men have to do, and this is the trick I always give to guys, I say to them, your number one sex technique is Turn around and come back and get us, ladies, because you’re way ahead of us.
You’re, the train’s already left the station with you, and we’re still packing our suitcase. And so we need you to help get us aroused. Don’t be mad or feel rejected because we’re not making the overtures. It’s just not necessarily what we’ll do all the time. Don’t rely on us for it. You hold the torch for the sexuality and slow down, slow down some more.
And then go half as fast, half as fast as that. So these are some of the myths that men and women are equal. That, that sex ends at menopause. Et cetera, et cetera. These are not truths at all. These are just things that we’ve told ourselves. These are limiting beliefs. So Mother Nature has played a cruel trick on us couples.
Um, as we age, we wrinkle, we see the outward signs of our aging. You look at a person who’s 50 and then you look at them again when they’re 80, they’re smaller. We lose in size and stature. We have what’s called, in the non technical world, shrinkage. Right? So we’re getting tinier and tinier, and that includes our genitals.
And what’s interesting is that as our male bodied partners age, they have penile atrophy. Their penises actually shrink. And for female bodied partners, our vaginas, the tissue in them, as it shrinks, it becomes more lax. You get something called vaginal laxity. And so as the mucous membranes shrink, they pull apart.
And one of the ways that you achieve sexual satisfaction is through good musculature. You actually have the grip with your partner, and that’s what helps instigate orgasm. Orgasm is a contraction and expansion of the body. And if you have muscle tone loss, vaginal laxity, penile shrinkage, then of course it becomes harder and harder to achieve orgasm.
In addition, but wait, it gets worse. Now I’m going to give you the solutions for reversing these. So don’t get too worried about it, but this is what happens and why it’s important to understand regenerative therapies is that in addition to the penis getting smaller and the vagina getting bigger, if you will, in a way, um, the actual erectile tissue of the genital system starts to atrophy as well.
And the way that The way that sex works, the way that sex feels good, why it feels so good, is because of blood flow. And as we age, and our blood flow begins to diminish, we lose what’s called nitric oxide. A lot of people think, oh well, I mean, my sex life’s just not as good because my hormones are, you know, I have fewer hormones.
And actually, Hormones are less of, have less of an effect on your sexual satisfaction than your nitric oxide production and stores. Nitric oxide is a gaseous signaling molecule. We have a couple of liters of blood in our body. And when we’re thinking, we need the blood to go to our brain. And when we’re exercising, we need the blood to go to our heart and our muscles.
And when we’re making love, we need the blood to go to our pelvic bowl. And if we can’t, if we don’t have good vascular tone, if we haven’t been exercising and taking care of ourselves, we can’t get the blood to get down into our pelvic bowl, and if the blood doesn’t, if we don’t get enough blood into our genital structures, they don’t get what’s called engorged, or too messed.
We don’t get a heart on. And what that means is, not just that there’s erectile dysfunction, but that we also have sensation loss. So I want to revisit that in one second, but I want to say one really important thing that I think hardly anybody knows, and that is, that if you think about the penis, imagine a banana.
So there’s your banana. Well, in a man, half of his penis is from his belly. out, but half of his penis is from his belly in and down to his testicles. So, what you see is actually twice as big, and if you pretend that that whole structure is a banana and you peel away the skin and you’re left with the fruit, that fruit is the erectile tissue of the penis.
Now, what I want to tell you, and this is the part that, you know, Oh, I didn’t know half of the penis was inside the body? Okay, that’s interesting, but here’s the really interesting part. And that is that as women, we have a full banana’s amount of erectile tissue in our vulva. our female genitals. And we have the same erectile issues that our male bodied partners do.
But everyone’s focused on the man’s erectile function and not the woman’s. We have flaccidity, sensation loss, we struggle to achieve climax. And what’s interesting about it is that That for a lot of people, they feel like they can almost get there, or it takes them so long to get to climactic satisfaction that they get frustrated in closing about what happens over time.
I wanna say that is as women, when you think about that bananas. amount of erectile tissue. Think about, I took that, I took your clitoral structure out of your body and put it in your hand. It would cover your entire palm. We have a lot of, so blood flow is as important for us as it is for our partners.
And to kind of wrap it all up, when we don’t get that blood flow, Our genitals stay small, and when they stay small they don’t have the ability to send as many signals of pleasure to our brain as when they’re plumped up. So when they’re full of blood they have all this larger surface area sending more signals to the number one sex organ, which is our brain.
And so these are the things that can go wrong, but luckily they’re all reversible. Probably the number one thing that holds people up from having the intimacy and connection that they crave or the kind of lovemaking that’s satisfying for them is the fear of speaking up and asking for what they want or saying when something’s not working.
We have and carry a lot of shame about our sexuality and our sexual desire. It comes from our culture, from our religion, from the fact that our parents didn’t model that. Partly because we didn’t want to see it, and partly because they just didn’t. And so, we often feel shame for the things that we want.
A lot of women say to me, I don’t know what I want, I just know what I’m getting isn’t it. And I disagree with them, and I say, oh no, you know. You know what you want. You just need to listen to your body. Your body is always telling you what she wants. She’s letting you know if it’s too hard, if it’s too soft, if it’s scratchy, if you want more of that, if you want less of that.
And so then it really becomes, it’s not that you don’t know what you want, it’s that you’re afraid to give voice to your body’s feelings. You have a felt sense of what’s right and what’s wrong, and you need to speak it for your body because she can’t speak it. That’s your voice. And I teach a technique called the sexual soulmate pact.
And it’s basically an agreement between partners that is so comforting, because here’s how it works. We make this agreement that we’re going to tell the truth about what it is we want in the moment, because we’re always different in every moment. We’re always evolving, we’re aging, we’re maturing, and we have, you know, How much sugar did we eat?
How much sleep did we get? How hungry are we? How thirsty are we? So we’re different in every moment. So our partners can’t possibly know what we want. They try their best to guess. They love to give us what we want, but they don’t know how to do it. And so the single thing you can do to have the best ageless sexuality is to learn how to speak and ask for what you need.
in the moment and have your partner graciously take the information in. And the way that they can assure you that they can graciously take it in is by thanking you for giving it to them. Honey, I don’t like that. Can you stop and move over? Yes, I can darling. Thank you. Honey, you’re on my hair, can you get off my hair?
Yes, thank you for letting me know. I really like that, can you do that until I say stop? Yes, thank you. When you get the thank you from your partner for speaking up, it empowers you to know that it’s okay to ask for what you need. It’s crazy that those two little words can ignite passionate lovemaking like nothing else.
The most common emotional obstacles to intimacy are lack of worthiness. I’m not worthy. I’m not lovable. That is a core trigger for people. It’s a core trigger for almost everyone at some point in their life. And when you don’t feel lovable, how could you feel sexy and desirable? And so it’s really important if you don’t feel lovable to really work on that and to ask for what you need.
One of the things that I find really, really good is a little game called Three Things I Love About You. And I’ve been playing this with my husband for 31 years. And it’s an unlimited request for what you love about me. And I’ll say to him, Can you tell me three things you love about me? Especially when we’re starting our lovemaking.
Can you tell me three things that you love about me? And he’ll say, yeah, I can. And he’ll go through and list three things. And we try to never say the same thing again. You can find an infinite number of things that you love about your partner. And for women especially, because we’re estrogen dominant, we need reassurance.
We need reassurance in a way that our male bodied partners don’t, because testosterone makes them confident. I’d say actually a little overconfident. Men tend to think they’re better than they are, which is why women are so afraid to hurt their feelings by giving them feedback, because they’re like, I know what to do, you don’t need to tell me.
But when they start moving into thank you, And they start being encouraging, and they start verbalizing their love and appreciation for us. It really helps us get over the fears and the concerns. So when you can feel comfortable asking for what you want, when you can feel comfortable asking for appreciation and acknowledgement, and it goes both ways.
It’s a never ending request cycle from both of you. What men want is to be respected for doing a great job. They want to win. Men have a pecking order mentality. Where women don’t have that, they’re community minded. What we want is to be, to know that we are both desirable and adored. And if we are, if we get Too many times if, if the partner’s just focused on objectifying us, what’s sexy about us, we’re like, is that all you think about?
We need the balance of the adoration, the three things that you love about us, to kind of level the playing field and make us feel like we’re worthy and loved. And so I think the emotional issues are mostly around worth, whether you’re doing a good job, whether you’re desirable. And we can fix those things.
We can overcome those traumas that have happened to us as, as children and young adults and go on to live a very, very satisfying and loving and connected partnership. A lot of the things that I’ve been talking about require partnered sex, asking for the things that you love about me, etc. But there are a lot of people who aren’t partnered or who don’t want to be partnered.
And the great thing about your sexuality is that it’s your sexuality, and it’s available to you at all times. And self pleasuring is a beautiful thing that is our birthright. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s good for us, and there’s many, many ways we can explore self pleasuring. So there are a couple of little tricks to keeping your sexuality really thrumming with life and lust your whole life long.
And by the way, there’s something very, very important about your sexuality. When you are still highly sexual, when you love sex, when you have a great sex life, people can tell. There’s something about the people that have a great sex life that they just, their eyes are brighter, they have more zest for life.
Your sexual passion and desire is also your passion for other things in your life. You have a more passionate life when You have a great sex life and it’s so funny, it doesn’t matter how much money you have, what you look like, any of how much schooling you’ve had, how important you are, none of those things have any relationship to how great your sex life can be.
We have the opportunity to nurture our sexuality our whole life long. As I’ve talked about, we get better with sex as we age, and one of the things that I like to teach people is how to have what I call a sex life bucket list. And it’s kind of like, if you don’t have a map to where you’re going, you’re never going to get there.
So what is it that you want to explore? One of the things that I always recommend that people have on their sex life bucket list is some sort of learning how to Expand their pleasure palette, whether that’s learning a new orgasm skill, because the body has 20 different ways of achieving climax. It’s not just one pathway.
We have 20 pathways to pleasure, both the male and female body. So we have this one thing we do, but we could be doing a lot of different things to have pleasure. So that could go on your bucket list. Pleasuring techniques like tantric lovemaking or sensual dancing together. Your sex life can grow with things like erotic massage for each other, as an example.
That’s a wonderful thing to try. The self expression of beautiful lingerie and posing for photos and going and doing photo shoots or shooting video. I mean there are so many ways to bring artfulness and beauty and expansion of pleasure into your sex life. That if you’re doing the same o same o all the time, you’re leaving a lot of pleasure and joy and connection on the table.
So, a lot of times when people come to me, they say, I’m the high desire partner. And my partner is the low desire partner, and I want them to want me more. And it’s funny because there are more women who have the low desire in heterosexual or partnered couples. So men come to me more often, but it’s not only men and women.
It’s, you know, it’s more and more men because of all the endictions. endocrine disruptors, and the loss of testosterone, and the bad diets that are ruining their erectile function. And so they don’t, they can’t have sex anymore, and they don’t realize that there are all these regenerative things. So when couples come to me, I always say, one question, when you got together, was the sex good?
And if it’s a no, I can’t help you. Because there was something else that happened, most likely sexual trauma. And that’s where you need to go to a therapist and work one on one to unwind the trauma, the betrayal, whatever would have happened. But if sex used to be good, you can not only get it back, but you can make it better.
You can have a sexual renaissance in your relationship. And often, it’s simply understanding how to have fun again together. How to not just focus on intercourse, but to expand yourself into having more pleasure, physical and emotional pleasure together. And how to schedule sex dates. And when I say sex, I don’t mean intercourse.
A lot of times couples are very intercourse focused. That’s what sex is. And it’s not. I mean, if you look at, if you think about what we normally think of as foreplay, Well, then there’s sex. And, and that’s not what it is at all. All of these things are fun. And so when you can get couples to, they come to me all the time and I say, try this thing, try yoni massage, try, try a new toy, have sex in a new place.
I give them, you know, three or four different ideas, and they come back and they’re like, oh my god, it was so good! We’re having a great time! Thank you so much! And it’s the easiest thing in the world, but it’s the forest for the trees. People can’t necessarily just see that themselves. They need the ideas of what.
really what I do in my world is I give people sexy ideas. So people come to me. for mismatched libido. They come to me for loss of sexual, sexual function and painful sex. Those are probably the two most common. And then the third one is I don’t have a partner and I’m lonely. And often people think that there’s no one out there for them.
And the thing is that we all have love to give and we’re all valuable and lovable and people get caught in this, you know, like, oh, there’s nobody out there for me. And once they start to put themselves out there, Online dating apps, having friends introduce them, they’ll meet the love of their life. And so a lot of it is, we hold ourselves back through lack of information and lack of self belief in our own worth.
And really, that’s all my magic wand does, is to help people see the possibility for themselves.